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Even though I’m not going to be looking anytime soon - if ever again - I still find the idea playing through my mind.
And the portion of my erotic self represented here naturally turns to the guys who inspire my androgynophillia.
Not transsexuals. I think of transpersons - at least post-op mtf transsexuals - as women. Not that women can’t be androgynous, oh no. But it has always been difficult for me to think of someone who so strongly needs to overthrow biology as androgynous. In my limited imagination an androgynous person would comfortably embrace both gender qualities.
Alex and I had a minor disconnect about this. She thinks of herself as androgynous. But wouldn’t be happy wearing some of the male clothing I enjoy seeing on a genetic female. It was never a real matter of contention. I just thought of Alex as female and forgot about it. Besides I’m the last person to be disputing anyone’s sense of his or her gender. What they see in themselves is what matters.
And should any transsexual wander this way I hope they don’t see what I wrote above as devaluing them. I’m writing of my wayward imagination, not the realities of love when it is found.
It seems that I’d normally be letting myself fancy some imaginary nelly guy. That I don’t may be caused I don’t see any femme guys near my own age. Are they conforming, hiding or choosing to not live here?
Often I find myself thinking of crossdressers. When I used to write often about androgyny I did my damnedest to make it clear I had no fixation on transvestites. I didn’t. I’d found myself sharing thoughts with so many that they were often in my mind. That greatly abated as relationships in the flesh took up my time.
I’ve never gone about looking at photographs of transvestites to ogle. On one level that doesn’t even make sent to me. You are looking at someone’s in female attire. Sometimes I’d leave a note saying the guy looked nice in a dress (even if that wasn’t true). But that was because that expression of approbation is often the kindest act you can perform.
I don’t obsess over the idea of someone with a penis in a skirt. As with many gay men how they relate to their penis controls how I feel about it. And most crossdressers seem to prefer that their primary sexual characteristic go discreetly ignored.
So why do they often come to my mind? I don’t have any idea.
I’m not fantasizing about sex with a guy in a dress. I’m not fantasizing about sex much at all. Perhaps it is a desire to say silly sweet things. To offer flatter that strengthens another’s self-esteem. Yeah, I still want to make someone feel special.
This - probably transitory - erotic bias doesn’t really seem healthy. But given that it hasn’t become an obsession, I’ve no plans at all to attempt to translate it into reality I guess it does no harm.