Failing as a Man

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Image of male femininity
Would I long for feminine guys if I didn’t identify as masculine?

From my first personal ad:

Androgynous / masculine seeks androgynous feminine

(My androgyny was all internal as it were.)

Personal cliché:

As a man I hope to be the woman my mother was.

I.e., offering unconditional support to one that I love.

The personal ad I remember because it was unusual for me to refer to myself as masculine. Not that I aspired to femininity. I felt more comfortable with neutral words like fellow, guy, male. I didn’t want to be that man’s man: my father.

Funnily enough I had no problem referring to myself as butch. But that was with reference to the desired opposite the fem (as in “no fems or fatties). Hard to believe but the pairing was common among gay men as it remains among lesbians.

Feminine gay men evoke masculine gender performance in me. Women don’t. As I’ve said before I can be a somewhat heterosexist gay man.

Charles was one of the nelliest gay guys I ever knew, far and away the most visibly effeminate that I was involved with. Even a Geiger counter would probably have registered something if Charles had been in the room. I loved this is him: the implied pixie dust, watching his wrist go limp.

That queer erotic gender glue was a strong element in the mix that lead me down the self-destructive path of putting up with every outrage, sacrificing whatever was necessary to be a good provider. The more I fought to cope the deeper I dug into the trap of coping when I should flee.

Even after the crack cocaine finally sundered my life with Charles I still loved him. (Indeed to this day I love him and hate him.)

It wasn’t until a few months after his death I came to see that it fell darkly across my days. It was as if something inside me had died and proceeded to rot. The misery made no sense at all.

Finally I realized that I blamed myself for not being able to save Charles from himself (yes, yes I know). That I had - amazingly - had failed as a man. The disease of masculinity that I’d always held myself immune from had got me.

After the components fell in place understanding seems to have banished the curse. I’m at peace with Charles death. Finally.

Comments

That picture is beautiful. Is that Jaye Davidson of Crying Game fame?

It is Jaye Davidson. I know him from the Stargate movie in which he wore makeup and - by my standards - was the sexiest evil alien of all time.

helped me understand confusion about myself

This man is pretty and sexy without trying to be.

Richard, if you’ve never seen The Crying Game (which I can’t imagine), you really must. Something about the triggering of protectiveness by .. well, something or other. Plus Jaye Davidson is amazing in it.

Your suggestions are always appreciated.

No, I’ve never seen the movie. I have all sorts of limitations on what I normally watch. Essentially they boil down to avoidance of the unpleasant. Unless it is highly stylized. E.g., I like slasher movies. But I’d be very reluctant to watch something in which a bunch of women are murdered.

There are exceptions but I’m happiest with old musical comedies and Monogram mysteries.

I’d forgotten Jaye Davidson’s name. He’s all I remember about Stargate. When he emerged it was lust at first sight.

The Crying Game has some violence (not against women) but it ends well (basically) and there are some aspects I think you’d really enjoy (and others that might irk you).

I’ve wondered but have real problems with violence if it isn’t something a horror movie.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Failing as a Man.
Thanks,
Richard

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