Loving Someone Transgendered
See more » Ambiguously Gendered
You will, I hope, forgive me if I repeat myself.
With Alex gone back across the sea I can’t help but meditate momentarily about my love and feelings for her.
It has been an odd journey for me. One day I woke up to the beauty of boys. One night I found myself in the arms and cunt of a woman. Much later I discovered that a guy in a dress could be lovely. And what could be wrong with someone whose gender might change or was genetically anomalous.
Noble sentiments, eh? It is fine to awake and discover yourself pansexual. But as we Americans say in our tedious way: you’ve got to walk the walk if you are going to talk the talk.
With Alex I’ve learned that I can walk as I talk.
Alex is feminine. But she isn’t like the guys I’ve loved. Her fingers don’t flitter about the room a golden trail of pixie dust in their wake. I’ll confess that part of me missed the glitter, camp and drama.
But not too much. My sexuality has proven as adaptive as I’d thought it had become.
As I sit here her plane is somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. I miss the smooth skin. While I’ve prized the erotic utility of my own I’ve never much liked body hair on a lover. Never had I suspected the serene pleasure in a shaven leg. There have been evenings I’ve felt almost drunk as I rubbed my cheek across her after she’d shaved.
My mind has remapped her body. Even my fingers feel small but firm teats on her chest. Nothing you could see with your eyes.
What is between her legs? I don’t know. I don’t see it. Her definition of her body is fluid. Could she have been born one she’d have come out of the womb as a genetic woman.
Alex accepts her ambiguous position. She’s yet to give herself final definition. So my adapting to her remains indefinite. No problem. My only fear is to treat her as she doesn’t see herself. You have to have something specific to adapt to.
Part of me is selfishly thrilled by the ambiguity. Boyish girl, girlish boy, hermaphrodite? Woman?
My place is to wait until her inner evolution finds fruition. Then I will love whoever she has become.