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I think Alex is the only person that I’ve told this to.
When things were really rough with Charles the phrase “I wish I had a girlfriend” used to pass through my mind.
But I wanted Charles to be my girlfriend.
I’ve always loved the image of the male girlfriend. It is more of a concept than an image. It has never specifically included or excluded (OK, it did for many years) transvestites.
I was forever in love with the image of the sexually yielding but socially bitchy very femme guy. Someone totally on bottom in bed but on top elsewhere.
Maybe it would’ve worked out better if I’d been able to see crossdressers as attractive when younger. The submissive sexuality combined with the aggressive socialization.
Instead I had to pass through a phase of heterosexuality until I could discover this uniquely queer aspect of erotic desire.
Part of the past one kind of wishes one could relive.
But Alex has become wholly my girl. Love has overcome biological gender.