Those lovely ladyboys (and my neo-puritanism)
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Possibly my greatest sexual weakness is the capacity for guilt.
Deeply drawn to ambiguities of gender I thought I'd go to Google to see if there were any new stories about ladyboys. Nope, I've caught them all, even the silly ones. I switch to image search, maybe there's a charming image of a Thai boygirl that I can use to show the beauty of people between genders.Mostly it is guys with women's breast. Nothing wrong with that. I like that. I'm even aroused by the photos (though the image I like best features a young man who is a lady only by virtue of his haircut).
I feel very uncomfortable looking at the photos. Silly me. I know that in a foolish abstract way that I enjoy the idea or ideal of a hermaphrodite. But I can't allow myself to merely enjoy the photo of a 'chick with a dick.'
Some childish part of myself cannot let myself simply objectify crossdressing or transsexual persons. I will not look on them as sex objects. Whenever I try I blink and close my browser.
I'm in a trap of erotic sensibility: I have to invest in them a transcendence they've never earned, a purity that is all but insane.
So baffling to let my idealism collide with my sexuality this way. I know better without wanting to be any wiser.