Transsexuals, lust & erotic idealism

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Why women don't like nice guys is a perennially favorite article for relationship advice writers. Is there a gay male equivalent? Never met one myself but having met young gay men who were saving their virginity for Mr. Right I'm sure they are alive. This entry (which began as a reply to a comment) may make me sound like one of those stupid but nice guys.

I wouldn't have any problem finding transsexual pornography. What little porn I've seen has never done much for me. I'm more likely to get excited by a catalog of young guys in sweaters or an average looking but feminine guy walking down the street.

There's so much I could say about my response it'll be tough to keep it condensed. Long, long ago I realized I wish I could make love to a classical hermaphrodite. They don't really exist. While I knew a couple of transsexuals I never connected that fantasy with them (this was long before I discovered I attracted to anything other than other guys).

My response to finding myself looking at naked ladyboys as I said was partly a reaction to knowing how many transgendered persons have been abused. I've always felt that I should treat them with more respect that I might grant them if they were simply male or female. You point out that genetic women have been abused. I think all decent folks do their honorable best to treat damaged and disabled people with whatever level of reticence and compassion that is appropriate.

(In mentioning disabled people it occurs to me that I usually don't offer them extra help unless I feel that it is desired. A train of thought that implies that I'm treated transgendered folks as too weak to manage responses to themselves on their own. )

Part of my overly complicated response is knowing that many (most?) preoperative transsexuals view themselves as being in a transitional state. They don't want to be a chick-with-a-dick; they want to be a woman. Regarded as much a female as those born that way. My impression is that there are some (younger?) transgendered folks who enjoy living as a biological third sex, as hermaphrodites. Pretty rare I think. So I've always tried to regard transsexuals as women. Again, meant as respect.

My erotic response to gender ambiguity and androgyny is strongly coupled with the most romantic side of my sexuality. This is foolish and unrealistic. I know that. Though I'm comfortable with being a romantic fool. Not that I recommend it. Linking romanticism with sex probably causes too many the silly sexual complications.

I think lust and objectification are among the best things in life. And it'd be a saner and happier human race if more people would accept that. And if everything in my life had aligned just right I'd have happily slept with a surgically and chemically created hermaphrodite.

Somehow I made myself sound far guiltier than I've ever been about anything sexual. I'd thought I'd shown ironic detachment from my silly response. Now if I felt something that could properly be called neo-puritianism I'd feel damned ashamed.


which is a good, well-formed statement, even if what it reflects is complicated… as it should be.

all i’m saying (and really only for myself), is that i don’t feel damaged or disabled and in fact tend to get a little militant when that condition is inferred. i don’t want to be treated with more respect or nervous care than any other man or woman. i want to be appreciated - or not, as the case may be - as what i am and on whatever merits i bring.

side question: are you more romantic/detached from those which might be the objects of your idealized desire? do you detach as a way to protect those objects from the nature of your own objectification?

note on hermaphrodites: they most certainly do exist, and they really hate having transsexuals confused with them. being a shemale is not the same as being a real hermaphrodite (intersexed person).

finally, you’d be surprised at just how many transsexuals never obtain surgery. it’s not actually rare - insofar as that term has any meaning with respect to such a small subpopulation in the first place.

sorry about the odd emphasis… i only meant to asterisk two words.

There’s a big difference between how you treat someone on the web and how you do in flesh life.

On the Internet you most readily meet (or I do) the people who’ve grown up feeling wounded by the way the surrounding people have treated them. In most instances it is impossible to know the specifics of that person’s life. The only course I can imagine is adopting the most gentle and respectful posture.

In real life you meet, like each other or not.

On the web I try to remain very detached when I’m talking to people whose sexuality makes them more interesting to me. Many differently gendered people are mostly responded to as fetish objects. There’ve been plenty I’d have gladly have made love to but that isn’t why we were talking.

With the feminine guys I’ve met fact to face it has been very different. We’re spending time together, maybe met in the first place wholly with the idea of objectifying the hell out of each other.

Sometimes the nomenclature of gender makes me want to bash my skull into the wall. I always want to say the right words.

The first intersexual people I met on the web hated the word hermaphrodite. They tended to use medical terminology. I looked up the biological conditions, couldn’t see a reason to care. For me as a sexual man the mechanics of gender are irrelevant. This was a tremendous insight. For me as a romantic man there’s something amazingly beautiful in not being merely a man or a woman.

So I use ‘classical hermaphrodite.’ I knew who Hermaphroditus was long before I discovered that shemales exist. I don’t use the words shemale or tranny because I think they are disrespectful. I get exasperated with crossdressers who despise ‘trannies’ and transsexuals who view transvestites as an inferior species. (Not directed at you but at the difficulty of having conservations with people whose particularized sexual agenda makes talking uneedfully difficult.)

I’m sure many transsexuals are never able to complete their gender reassignment surgery. Some make very stupid choices, others are innocently impoverished and another group delightfully don’t want it.

To get back to what I think is your basic question: online I the ignorance of distance causes me to be kind and cautious. You need to be both with those you know more materially but since you can talk and watch each others’ faces it isn’t that complicated.

So I use ‘classical hermaphrodite.’ I knew who Hermaphroditus was long before I discovered that shemales exist.

i think the relevant distinction (at least as far as the intersexed folks i’ve encountered) is that the classical hermaphrodite is a natural variance, and not at all the same as someone like me, who has given herself the qualities of such a person by means of hormone therapy and possibly surgery.

they are just what they are… i am something of a construct, and i try to remain conscious of that. thus, out of the same kind of respect that you discuss and display here, i do not ever claim the term “hermaphrodite”. even if an intersexed person rejects the term, it isn’t mine to co-opt.

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