Ideological Sexuality (of a queer, pansexual sort)
See more » Love and Lust
For me writing about myself helped me evolve a clearer understanding of my own sexuality (copiously, even pedantically documented across many earlier entries).One of the earliest pages I wrote said that the sight of a 'soft boy' quickened my step, made me feel glad
in a unique way. Soft boys is a term I rarely use anymore. Whatever my fingers type my mind always thinks nelly guys as they were almost always called in the days when I was first out. By then I must've dimly know that I was probably really bisexual. The special feelings evoked by nelly guys left me unsure of that. And given my almost ideological sexuality I didn't want to separate myself from being gay.
The phrase ideological sexuality doesn't please me but I it seems apt for describing my sexual evolution. Any pretty blonde boy was exciting when I discovered me love of them. It didn't matter if they were straight. And I'd yet to meet enough nelly guys to either discover or form a preference for them. Eventually heterosexual boys seemed much less alluring. Knowing that a guy was gay made him sexier. Possibly that biased me toward nelly guys. Not that I don't find man I assume to be straight lovely to look at. I wouldn't have watched Smallville last year if Tom Welling didn't flash his amazing smile. But I don't lust after Welling. There's an erotic tinge to be sure, but not a strong one. Keanu Reeves might be a better instance. I've often marveled at his skin. But his voice alone kills any desire: too masculine
Does sexual desire have a feedback mechanism? Probably not for most people. The particularities of their erotic appetites were shaped early and have little elasticity. For some a minimum breast or cock size must be met for lust to appear. Many people are fetishes in a sense even though no external object is the focus of their need. Sexuality that adapts to circumstances is healthy, sane. Many people have it at least on the level of accepting the partners available, not holding out for the ideal. I often suspect that this is truer of straight people than gay
I think sexual ideology of a sort has shaped part of my own sexuality. Feminine men aren't guilty of what a part of me inescapably sees as the problems of masculinity (my own excepted, you know). And it seems distasteful to find a man who might be disgusted with your sexuality attractive. Only the likeable and smart segment* of hetero men doesn't feel that being desired by a queer is disturbing (or worse). But what I'm calling sexual ideology might be thought a cranky, if not bizarre species of private Puritanism. Sounds better than saying "I don't know about sex but I know what I like."* My best friends in flesh life and many on Live Journal.