If I find myself single again will I look?
» Love and Lust
Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if my life with Charles doesn't resolve itself happily.
Easily I can imagine myself saying to myself "Okay, three times, you're out." Right now I feel much less in love with Love than a few years ago. Foolish romantic that I may be I'm well able to keep myself company, even to go without sex. (Except of course the sound of one hand slapping.)
Look for a companionable woman? The woman that I lived with was an estimable, lovable person. It'd would've only taken a little clarity to have kept us together much longer, maybe for a lifetime. The few women I communicated with when I was single and looking were put off by my sexuality (aside from a few Dommes). Funny to fine my scattered online journals, weblogs, diaries read more by women than gay men.
Sure, I'd keep my eye open for those rare proudly feminine gay men but if I were to be looking again I'd try to keep myself from focusing so closely on them.
If I could stand having a beard I could become a bear and look for a cub. (I had a moustache for many years but shaved it off when the gray appeared.) The few cubs I talked to online were bright, looking for a strong shoulder and not as intransigent perhaps as the nelly guys. Not that I could align myself with a subculture anymore than I could with a fandom. But I have to admit that I find self-respecting, er, - docility? - attractive in a guy.
If I were to search again it would really be for any clearheaded person with a sense of self-mockery. And, of course, sexual compatibility.
