Is that a webcam in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

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Human eyes will evolve to cope properly with glowing screens. Then again cathode ray tubes seem to be heading towards oblivion. Iím just bitching about another day in my velvet salt mine cataloging books.

Charles wasnít able to sleep last night. His manic highs greatly diminished he just sat and read and listened to the Chuck Wagon Gang. As Iíve said before my own sleep is fitful and shallow on these nights. I spent my day mildly zombified and self-distrustful, fearing Iíd accidentally charge someone $200 for a $20 book.

Charles, who Iíd hoped was asleep, showed up at the bookshop about midday. Something had left his right arm pink and inflamed. His unsleeping night left him woozy and fearful and he came to work in case he should suffer analeptic shock.

We left the store early so I could get him home and tuck him in. Maybe I was a little pushy, rude; if he doesnít get to bed when he can fall asleep heíll veer back up and stay up until midnight or even the next morning. After a little more than an hour of hectoring and pleading he went to bed. For a stretch heíd nod off and then reach out to me, still afraid something amorphously bad might happen. But Ė knock on wood Ė heís snoring away now.

Yesterday I had to point out that 07/15/02 had its moment on the calendar last month and heíd missed his trial for putting the wrong tag on the wrong car. I have trouble keeping the numbers and monthís names properly sorted myself, consciously counting either from the first month or the month of my birth (handily the latter is in the middle of the year). Same problem I have with left and right. I have to stop and remember that the hand I right with is the right one. Iíve still been known to get it wrong and direct people off to nowhere. If I were ambidextrous Iíd be screwed.

A friend reading that Iíve never seen but am curious about pornographic movies is going to lend me one. I have those vain mixed feelings that are the special province of the too deeply self-involved. If I watch it then I canít say Iíve never seen one. People who donít know me have often looked at me like Iím lying. From what I know of porn sales most people havenít. I probably hang out with a randy lot. (Of course I havenít told Charles about this. He has veto power. Iíve offered that to him in a few areas of my life but heís never used it.)

Even though my pure heart gives the strength of ten I canít imagine the body not responding to serial scenes of sodomy. Back in the days before Charles I like 673, 287, 943 men grabbed dirty pictures from assorted Internet caches* (but not for the first couple of years, I was still too deep in my asexual phase). Or tried to. I did find several appealing nudes. But almost no images of sucking and shoving. Too meaty, too sweaty, really too gross.

I donít know when After Dark folded. The ultimate closet-case magazine, it was still coming out (wrong words) in the early 70s. The gay people I knew bought so newly gay me did likewise. They always had an excuse for running a photo essay on Nureyev. And there were lots of photo prints advertised. All of idealistically pretty young guys, never nude. The ads were always the high spot for me. Gay men still bought ( - still do? - ) Playgirl back then. I didnít. Likely as far as I know Playgirl has featured four centerfolds that approach my taste. And even then what self-respecting gay guy wants to lust after straight men (yeah, I know the answer).

Or I could just ogle ďJustinĒ on his web cam. As he wrote to me today

I hope you remember me. We chatted a little while ago. I finally got some pics scanned and wanted you to see them.

If you forgot, my name is Justin. I am 18, 5'10, 150lbs. You seemed real
cool and I wanted to chat some more.

Not that Iíve chatted with Justin. Anymore than I did with the stripper who said she works at a nearby strip club. How many people melt, I wonder, when he tenderly confesses that ďI love feeling my dick in my hand!Ē

Sorry, Justin, Iím enamored of 6í1í, 160 lbs.

* All deleted the day he moved in.

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Pansexual Sodomite
Love and Lust
Is that a webcam in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
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