Libido, Affection and a Bit of Confusion
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Right now I can think of celibacy without fear. But Iím not fool enough to trust this surely imaginary courage. You never know when erotic compulsion will return.
It is much tougher when I think of going without romantic affection. My relationship with Charles segued almost seamlessly to that with Alex. Seven years with another to care about. Loving is a rotten addiction. But passion is so very nice.
And it is that fear that causes my affectional preference to suddenly shift and focus on one kind of person or another. I find it hard to treat the idea of the beloved as an abstraction.
These manic jumps are embarrassing. But not seriously so. At least to some degree mere duration will leave me calmer, less anxious to imagine a lover. Then it might be time to really wonder if I can find one.