On being needed ...
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I always think of myself as a happy solitary. I like my own company and groups and crowds invoke an involuntary nausea.
But last night I was barely able to sleep from sheer loneliness.
It hit me that I'm single again.
Now I don't have even the illusion of meeting another's needs, to be - I'm not sure of what word captures the right nuance - provider, builder, strong right arm, shoulder to cry on. To be needed in a certain way is one of my deeper hungers.
The guy I met four years ago almost to the day is away right now; we haven't even spoken on the phone.
Momentarily freed of pressure I finally have the emotional space in which to mourn the loss of love.
So I spent my night remembering him sitting on my leg, thinking of smiling at his profile when he looked especially sweet.
A miserable time but one I needed to live through to prepare for life without someone who needs me.