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...you swing the way the wind blows, methinks...
Matt on my sexuality.
I think of my sexuality as a continuum. Sometimes my sexual selves seem to break into disparate elements and they mill about in my brain. Mostly they are a friendly cooperative group, occasionally they get rambunctious and shove and pull each other trying to grab the focus of my inner eye shouting “Me! Me!”
They were damnably pushy during one of the times when my only sexual expression was masturbating. (Not an inglorious confession, most men and women have lived those days. Perhaps there are a few talented masturbators – geniuses of masturbation – who really do prefer solitary sex to the presence of a flesh and blood body. Vide the folks at Jackinworld.)
Masturbation ( - pity all the synonyms are so dorky or quaint: the sin of Onan, really? - ) for real pleasure requires a nicety and fixity of the imagination. I bet even monosexual people have trouble coming to grips with just the right person to fantasize about. Which woman with the right shape of breast and curve of hips? Which man with the right kind of cock? More humanely, which face? Given a bias towards minor specialties you may need a certain shape of leg.
And if you like all the genders (not just the big two), any act, any role including dominating and submitting, electing and abiding with the fantasy person of the moment isn’t easy, the fantasy just won’t cohere. (Not there aren’t times when shifting through the possibilities ends in a happy orgasm.)
When I wrote earlier the birth of appreciation of Femdom I forgot a key element. Masturbating as a teen my fantasies included dates, getting to know the person – yeah, I was drippily romantic from the beginning. Many years later finding myself masturbating again I thought including romance creepy, pathetic. Sex as a power exchange was an escape from that. (Not that I don’t know that BDSM and love don’t preclude one another.
The quotation was all I had when I started this entry. Instead of writing about the joys of pansexuality I wound up with masturbation. Good, masturbation is one of the few topics I don’t remember seeing much about it weblogs. Admitting to it probably seems admitting to weakness. How else are you going to have sex with your favorite Calvin Klein or Victoria’s Secret model (rock star or whatever)? I’d invite you to share your masturbatory life with me but I wouldn’t want to you blush with shame from the commonness of your fantasy or from your timidity.