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Viewed abstractly my pansexuality leaves me open to so many possibilities. But instead of feeling like an erotic everyman I feel like nobody.
Some of this is probably the wounds of lost love.
Much of it may be because I think of my sexuality as adaptable. Rather: adaptive. And without some specific vision of what to adapt to, of whom to adapt to my sexuality goes blank.
I become neutered.
While I don’t think it is literally true I don’t currently have a sense of a sexual ideal. Gender quality, performance, identity: who?
And without a goal, a hope - really without a person - …
I can think of several potential focuses. All attached.
My fear is that I’m fooling myself. If I’m truly content to be without anyone then I can curl up on my couch and let humanity go about its peculiar and often seemingly pointless ways.
I’ve felt that before. But when I awoke from that mindset it seemed as if I’d thrown away years of my life. Forgone experiences better cherished than dismissed.