Remembering Toby

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Funnily enough after mentioning the strong dominant guy I almost became involved with MS Messenger upgraded itself. That is the only time I see my Messenger friends list or whatever they call it. That Toby's name is still there doesn't signal any lingering desire.* I've never edited the list and have no idea of "Naughty Woman" or "Visitor from another world" are.

Mostly I used Yahoo Messenger when I was using the web to meet folks. With a half dozen Yahoo IDs and profiles I spent lots of time on the old Yahoo. Back then they didn't censor and delete clubs, groups or users at whim.

I've long loathed the average person and Yahoo chats presented him at his worst. Mostly they never read my profile and those that did tended to recreate it in the image of whatever fantasy or fetish was dearest to them. (AOL was worst with the insistent, ignorant a/s/ls - age/sex/location. (Each AOL screen name had a carefully crafted profile and Hometown page all of which led to my website.)

How Toby, as the 6'8" black man is called, found me I don't recall. It wasn't through one of my fetish identities. I may have spotted him on and recognized either a photo or - more likely - some of his words.

Toby and I met vis--vis at the shop one morning. He was charming, affable, and smart: a really fine man worth knowing in any context. In a sense he was too likable. He was too urbane and respectful to exert any of his masterful side without invitation. (This is extremely rare in gay Masters: most of them seem to live in a fantasy space in-betweens being the ultimate Alpha Male and god almighty, wholly unwilling to have dialogue.) I liked Toby so much if he'd exerted a portion of dominant side I might've succumbed instantly.

Fear had been the reason I never explored my submissive side. Many, many gay men let strangers tie them up. I had a sane fear of surrendering control to someone who might not be able to control himself.

When I met Toby I'd met a man who could've let me explore that side of myself on any level I chose. After refusing many men for sounding like maniacs I dithered when I met a masterful man too sane to play games with me.

So I dithered. Sometime later Toby responded to a personal I'd posted under a gay masochistic persona. I replied to let him know it was me. A confused response: he replied asking what exactly did I want. It took me a long time to reply. I can't remember the details. I think I told him I'd met someone else.

Charles was that someone. I'll own that I'm yet to be sure that I made the right choice.

* Nor does it exclude it. This is an exploration of a memory not my current life.

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