Sappily enough : love is still mighty baffling (Another hymn to Charles)
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Elsewhere I read about a man who asked a partnered gay guy what each of them brings to their life together.
What can I say about my days with Charles?
Why did I fall in love with him? I can give instances: he's a feminine guy, but always a guy, he's vulnerable, dangerously capricious. Many who've read my journal for any length of time may have growth weary of my celebrations of male femininity. Being someone's strong shoulder satisfies me down into the root of myself. And I'm fatally attracted to a little selfish arbitrariness.
A slice of his mind has a solid, materialistic orientation. He can think of things in the context of quantity, nor merely quality. I've never mentioned that before. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I realized Charles' capacity for a certain kind of scientific thinking is important to me. Too many people are ignorant of the effects of motion, heat and molecules. Long ago I made the mistake of trying to make a 'pet' of an ignorant boy. No surprise it never lasted.
He's often campy, outrageous. It makes me giddily shiver with pleasure.
But baldly summed up his qualities are commonplace. The first time I kissed him, a mere peck I worried I was being too bold. Back in my twenties I didn't think anything about shoving my tongue down an unfamiliar boy's throat. . By the third day we were hanging out together I knew I was helplessly, sappily, delightedly in love.
The original question is foolish. Love is kind of like genius. You can cite instances of intellection, insight and feeling. But if it could be reproduced by schema it would be reproduced at will.
Or to reach for a more conventional analogy: like a poem. Knowing that Donne's poems were largely influenced by his education in 17th century Cambridge doesn't explain why they continue to be read.
It is all in the individual arrangements of the details, voice, pigment, shading, words, emotions, thoughts never recalled.
All of that is somewhere between the highfalutin and sappy but I don't think I can sum it up more neatly. Whatever it is that we bring, we bring the right things.
Centuries of learning, exploring, thinking, analyzing haven't left many of us happier than we are devoted to someone else. As greedy and hungry as Self can be, a weak segment of us are never more at peace with ourselves than when we are lost in the needs of the Other.
I live for the times I have my arm around Charles' shoulders while we're in the car, bringing him a soda, making sure he's taken his meds, that he has eaten. What more could I want?
Many are free of this need and delight. I don't envy them nor pity them. With all its petty limitations being merely mortal expresses itself in a bunch of different ways.
I just know what keeps the spring in my step and cling fiercely to him. Here's hoping the rest of you find your own satisfactions, cooler or crazier.