Sexual racism

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I'm not a racist. Or am I?

I do have a shameful erotic bias. I'm rarely attracted to black men. I look at Nat Cole, Billy Eckstine, Sam Cooke - aren't they all beautiful? - no erotic tingle. Admittedly I might not feel anything if they were white. Two of them are fairly butch looking and I have a sexual prejudice against heterosexual men.

After I first came out and realized this I scared shitless. Was I tainted with racism? I don't think I've ever confessed this to anyone.

You might now agree but I cleared myself of the charge. Racism has never prevented sexual attraction. How many black women in slavery were used as concubines by their owners? And there are the gay men whose racism inverts itself into fantasies of massively hung black toughs who'll use and abuse them.

We are all to some degree prisoners of our own sexual limitations. For most of mankind it is a restriction to one gender. Others are only able to desire men who are circumcised (or the reverse), hairy (or smooth), men who looked like they were drawn by Tom of Finland (or - ahem - anything but). Often the only thing you can say about sexuality is that it is. Depending on your own limitations you'll smile at the people who are limited to a body type or are merely monosexual.

Circumscribed sexuality is bad because it leaves us with few people to be intimate with, possibly to fall in love with. But utopias are famously boring. Our failings and incapacities are part of the diversity that keeps life sufficiently interesting enough to be endured. A poor apology for pluralism I admit.

To wend back to myself. I'd been thinking about this recently but had to be reminded by an entry in peachauto211's journal. I'd been thinking about writing about this in my weblog but not my Live Journal for fear of hurting anyone.

I was standing on the porch one night smoking a cigarette turning this over in my mind. I'd decided that I should leave this unwritten. Restless I turned on the TV and started a HBO (or Showtime) show on the penis. The only appealing man was black, sitting nude with wonderful coppery skin and a nice looking cock. Then I remembered that the guy I probably would've become involved with if I hadn't heard Charles' nelly voice on the phone was black.

See also: "Nigger!"

Added later, from a comment I left on Live Journal.

When I see Jackson in his tough guy roles I remember reading once that some African-Americans have called him a new type of Uncle Tom.

I can't honestly remember exactly what was said. My interpretation of it put me in mind of white people who giggle violently when a black man says "Fucking shit!" in a movie. It is a new type of stereotype. (Which is one of the reasons I like the treatment of the black guy in Panic Room.)

I remember many years ago noticing what seemed like the deliberate casting of black women as tough judges on TV shows. But in watching a fair amount of recent black cast movies it seems like the most typical characterization of black women is as 'sassy' and 'smart-mouthed.' There must be exceptions but it seems like black women are often cast as the wordly wise and wise-cracking friend of the sensitive white woman.

Comments

That is a well-crafted entry. Most of my lovers have been ‘of colour.’ Although I write a lot about racism and have some views some would call ricism, I never actually consider a person by their colour when I meet them, which gives me a very free hand in making friends (and sleeping with them).

It’s not about the attraction. It is about falling in love with. If you met a person right for you, to spend your life with, e.g. through internet, would it then matter what colour would they be?

Romantic love doesn’t exist without attraction. And most people’s ability to find people attractive is limited. Otherwise we’d all be at least bisexual.

Richard I guess i “was” the black version of you. I saw many attractive white men, but never had a desire to sleep with them. My forbidden fruit were black men ( the blacker the better). i have this one friend I known since childhood who loved white men, he would say that he nothing in common with black men although he was black. He would always tell me that I should find me a white man and my lifte would be much easier, not so much drama. Well I like drama, and that would piss me off about him, to me it wasn’t love that attacted him to his white lovers, but what they had to offer him, in other words he sold himself to them and they gave him what he need to move up in the world, since most black men did’nt have the resources that could elevate him to where he wanted to go, he wasn’t interested in them. Soon he just became a white man in a black body, looking down on black people as if they were inferior to him. We stayed friends and I grew to love his white lover (the rich one) as if he was part of my family. Recently after moving back to my hometown of Detroit from Atlanta. Ironically I met my present partner who is white. Never would I have believed that I would love a white man as much as I love him. I didn’t go searching for him and I even tried to reject him, but he kept coming back. I now understand that it’s not about the color of one skin, it about what the person inside has to offer. My soulmate, the right match came to me in another form that I could have missed if I chose to not let him persue. But the difference in myself and my friend is I didn’t care what he had (yes he’s got alot, but so do I) I just wanted to be with him.

Richard

First time I met a boy who equated a man?s possessions with his sexual desirability it was a slap. He?d have slept with me if I?d owned a car (I don?t drive). It was an education.

Even back in my teenage years the black guys I knew were all from professional, affluent families. The black men I?ve spent much time with as an adult are all the exceptionally creative, articulate kind of guys: artists, game designers. While I?ve read (sorry, can?t say more than that) that there are black people alienated from their race I?ve never (as far as I know) me one. My one black friend from the lower middleclass neighborhood of my teen years I was instantly forbidden to associate with by my father (and ? it was a powerful shock ? so was he by his father).

The last couple of years I?ve been living in a pocket neighborhood where I?m in the minority. I have to keep my (pansexual) eyes averted from all the spectacular black women. And only yesterday I was looking at a young black guy a couple of houses down and wishing I were younger (which really wouldn?t be enough, since he is straight as far as I know). Maybe I?ve grown a little bit.

I used to know a few white gay men who felt themselves ?negrophiles? but it was all about their fantasies of the black man?s penis and dominating power. It wasn?t until I read a personal ad by a black guy who made it clear he didn?t want submissive white men replying that I had any idea how this might sometimes feel from the vantage of the ?admired? object.

Thank you very much for commenting.

I can’t tell you how horribly I feel about being black and gay. Don’t get me wrong. I have a healthy dose of self esteem. I love that I am black and very toned. I quite like my body, and my wit and the person I am. However, here in North Carolina, all of who I am is not good enough for most gays. Why? Because I am black. There is a mismatch between what I feel about myself and what others think of me. I was recently called “strikingly ugly” by a gay.com user, who then added that I could be “a model because [you] stand out even though you are ugly.” Days later, an ex retold a story in which he was complimented for having dated me because it showed that he “was not superficial and could look past the exterior.” To which I was like: what?

I am not shallow. Still, I work out a lot, I eat healthy. I think I have a much better body that most gay men I meet. I like my exterior. I want to be liked for my exterior as much as my interior. I don’t want people to have to dig deep to find anything worthy about me. My blackness should not preclude me from being as sexually viable as otherwise average and plain white men.

And it is not that I seek white men only. I am always appalled at how many black men would actually include in their ads: “only date whites.” That to me is the most depressing form of self-loathing. It is so common in North Carolina for whites to seek whites, and for blacks to seek whites that one has to wonder: who is dating black men at all?

I am been forced to accept a version of me that I cannot see in the mirror.

Im a sexy attractive lesbian female (told by many), who sometimes hates being of a dark complexion. When I was a young girl and was trying to find my self sexually, straight black males would tell me that I was cute to be dark or say I would date you but I only date light skin girls As time went by and I grew as a women, I started stripping in the local night clubs. I got pay very well but the same thing would happen after the club was over, Guys would say your cute to be so dark and etc. This created a complex that grew deep within myself, an unconscious chip on my shoulder you would say. Lets skip a head: After being in the Gay life for 9 yrs. I still get this type of treatment from black women ten times fold. Im attracted to women of all colors, But Im always getting rejected and its the same old lines, I Like only light skin, red bone or white girls. What kills me is that I dont approach them, they pursue me. For what reason? to hurt my feelings. Every woman Ive been with are all light skin. Dark skin women wont even look my way. (well they would look but wont approach) Im in a relationship now going on 5 yrs. And you guessed it, My girl friend is very light skinned. After going to a night club 5-20-05 I had the same problem. Good thing Im in a relationship.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Sexual racism.
Thanks,
Richard

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