Sexualities: Bisexual or Gay?
See more » Love and Lust
Bisexual kid, gay man
I guess I was a bisexual little boy. Or a very confused one. My first attempts at sex were with other guys. (Admittedly there weren't any girls I knew to try anything with.) My later fantasies were of women, possibly social force moving me toward the norm. Confusingly there is the recollection of this one skinny, harlotish girl whose perfume and hosiery lives strongly in recollection.
Victor and John kissed and my heart fixed on boys. Women vanished. Adolescent desires were forgotten. I'll flatter myself with my self-knowledge. There were no covert glances at women. Best thing about girls was there was no sexual tension. Many gay men have enjoyed that; many straight women have probably wished they hadn't.
I'll never weary of reliving that first conscious discovery of beautiful boys. Who knew so much beauty walked the streets? Well-formed pale slender blondes were everywhere. Not to forget the dark black-haired boys.
Life was roses, sunsets and good prose. Getting out of Savannah I could smell, look and fuck. OK, almost betraying the gay sexual ethic I actually did get tired of the latter within a few years.
I've been grateful for my earlier sexual blindness. In 1972 when I found out I came out. I told my, ahem, friends, old school teachers. If I'd discovered my gayness at fourteen I fear my illusion of invulnerability would've led me to do the same. My father would've found out and shock treatments or whatever homophobic tortures were popular then would've been my fate.
In reading it always sounds like young gay guys are repressed. I can't claim that. I was either happy enough with heterosexual fantasies or sexually neutral, neuter, blank.
Whatever I thought I knew back then there was lots more to learn.