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Having made abortive attempts to have sex in elementary school, my sexuality must've been pretty damn strong. People always told me my mother was very pretty. I don't know: she was my mother. Sometime about nine or ten I heard my Daddy say "Gwen, give me some pussy?" I don't know if she did. I don't think I knew what the word meant much less the complications that ensue from the knowledge. Some mood conveyed itself - discomfort. Otherwise I wouldn't remember it.
I've been wrestling with out to say this. I thought of saying my mother seemed asexual. That is too strong and antiseptic. Even calling her nonsexual hints at qualities I don't want. Momma was an old fashioned girl. When I was a kid her persona was per-sexually girlishness. Searching through the pop culture figures of my childhood I can't match her to anybody. They were antiseptic.
By the time I was a teen my parents didn't sleep in the same bed. Why, I'll never figure out. Both were good-looking, something must've died or failed. I was very proud of her bringing twenty year olds home when she was single and in her fifties. (And in an small city variation on Sex & the City wanting to date or marry her. Odd.)
Masculine guy that I am I grew up identifying with my mother (are we rare or isn't that most of us don't know?). My mother suggested no sex. So there was no sex. Even if I was a horny eleven-year old: before Victor taught me to masturbate.
I learned all the dirty words and pictures. In typical silent desperation I wished I could fuck a few high school girls. But it is a golden boy from Shuman Junior High that can still get me hot decades later. Hanging out with some other guys who were watching some cheerleaders practice across the street I said I didn't care. One of them told me he felt sorry for me.
But the head cheerleader's body matched my ideal fairy princess (I read a book of Celtic love stories - I'm so ashamed, I'd like to see the book again, but think it'd be best if I never do).
Thinking back I'm sure there were also some blond (always blond) guys I was excited by. They were clearly hetero and don't evoke the desire of the boy from Junior High or the girls.
So what the fuck was up with my sexuality?