The Empowerment of Lust

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Actually I don’t find the word empowerment fetching. You can’t help but feel that anyone who would use it would best be served by a kick in the ass.

I have a heterosexual friend who has the most miserable marriage imaginable. He and his wife can’t get along. So he’s been living with his mother for two years. He pays the mortgage on the house his wife lives in. And all her bills. She’s too inert and lazy to work.

For that time he’d been without sex until a couple of days ago when she dropped by and in his words “raped” him.

Today he was at my shop. She called him to say that she was at his mother’s house. The prospect of more sex had him flash out of the store like a greased thunderbolt.

I had to smile. It was like something out a sitcom. What lives these straight people live.

And it dovetailed with some thoughts about sexuality that had been passing through my mind lately.

Right now I’m a sexual corpse.

With my lover away you might think I’d feel lucky to have my libido dim, wane and all but die.

Nope.

Long ago when my then hidden sexuality came suddenly alive it saved me.

Conscious lust grabbed me by the head, shook it and told me to mend my life.

Put plainly the desire to screw a pretty boy made me crawl out of the hole I was digging myself into. It got me out of my parent’s house. Out of my home town (Savannah, GA). It had me interacting with people.

There were other motivations. Curiosity, whimsy, young manhood. If I hadn’t desperately wanted to fuck they wouldn’t have been enough.

I’ve seen people who denied their lust. Their hearts and minds grow deformed. With no unkindness meant the sexually self-denied seem creepy, slimy things that make me gag. Sometimes I just need to leave the room and hide.

Really I think I’d be happier tossing and turning all night long waiting for Alex’s return.

Too much desire can be a damning thing. But just a little unsatisfied lust is like a tune in the back of your mind that keeps you moving throughout the day.

Comments

I can relate to what you have written in a really odd way.

I am 21, and never had any kind of relationship whatsoever. Hopefully this doesnt sounds like I am whinning. I am not, I cope with it just fine.

This situation turns the world into a really misterious place for me. There are some questions in my mind that havent left me since puberty, and as I become an adult they begin to show more serious colours.

“How does it feels like when you kiss someone?”

I had very very few kissing experiences when I was younger, with girls. But I am gay, and those moments seen so distant right now that I can barely think of them as something else than a hazy dream. So, I still don’t know the answer to this question, even if its one of the first questions people get the answer to.

Its not only about lust for me, even if it plays a large role in the equation. Obviously, there are days when I just plain -need- sex, and since I am alone I have to masturbate. These lonely activies, no matter if they can give you a orgasm too, aren’t a replacement for a real man. There is still a constant feeling that something is missing, and even if I had just given myself a orgasm in that moment, I still would not feel completely satisfied.

There are other feelings, other questions too. How would it be to expend an afternoon with a boyfriend? Go to the movies? Simple things in life that we usually take for granted.

Its possible to miss things we never had.

The saddest, and ironic, part of this is that women seen to hit on me now and then. This situation did hand me a answer to one of my questions rather quickly, “Is there something wrong with me? Am I hopelessly ugly?” Well, no.

I am such a tragic cliché. I am that gay guy you saw once in a movie, or read about in a book, who only knew straight people.

Most of my friends are straight. That has been true for many years. Several years ago when I wanted to start meeting guys again I used the web. This site started as several pages that were put together to supplement my personal ads.

When I was your age I left my hometown and moved to the nearest big city (Atlanta) and moved into the gay ghetto. Meeting gay men was no problem. I didn’t even need to go to bars.

If I hadn’t found sexual and sometimes romantic fulfillment I’d have destroyed myself.

Do you live in an isolated rural area? Is there some reason you aren’t willing to go to a bar (I never liked them), join some sort of public gay group or use the web – gay.com and the like - for meeting a nice guy?

I don’t pretend these things are easy. There’s plenty of room for embarrassment and disappointment. But the risks can be worth taking.

What is stopping you from knowing more gay people, finding a guy to date?

My life is complicated.

I want to be a doctor. I live in Brazil and universities here do a exam each year to select their students. Medical universities in Brazil have the reputation of being the hardest ones to be approved to, by a loooong shoot.

So, I have to study. I don’t know how it works in the USA, but we have special classes here meant only for university exams. I have been trying to be approved for five years already. Thats five years studying between four to six hours each day plus six hours of classes every morning.

I have lost count of the weekends I have expent studying up to very late at night. My scores, thankfully, have been getting better and better, and soon I will be approved, I hope.

So, I have a hard time maintaning a social life.

There is also a circle. I only know straight people, straight people dont go to gay bars, thus I only know straight people. I simply cannot picture myself going out alone, its -really- not me.

My town is medium sized, but even so there is one, only one, gay night club here. It may sound like its not enough for a medium sized city, but homophobia is really really high here, so its actually a surprise that there is at least one place gay people go to.

I have tried dating websites, but I failed to find people that live where I do. I just cant picture having a internet relationship to have it become more physical only after a month of talking.

I tried mIRC too. Conversations usually range from “hey, I live in the same city as you do, want to have sex?” to “uhm, do you have a hairy butt?”.

What kind of person asks you if you have hair in your butt after 3 minutes of conversation? ^_^

I think the only reason I cant find a guy is unluck. Its the same with money, some people are born a Hilton, others are born in Africa. Some are born in San Francisco, others are born to study for universities approval exams.

But I am trying.. I look for other gay guys on my area at orkut.com, I join mIRC now and then to try to have some conversations, I try to find out if the guys I study with, or work out with, are straight or gay. I do my “homework”, its only that I havent had any chance to meet anyone.

Well, I have had plenty of chances if you count the “lets just have sex” crowd. Sex for the sake of sex, however, is not my thing.

Its a bit weird to look at things this way, but I am getting used to this situation. Having no boyfriend means I have more time to study, more time to read, more time to compose, to study and record music, play my acoustic guitar, write computer games. Even though sometimes I remember what is happening with me, like when I´ve read your post, I find I think less and less about relationships.

Still, sometimes I think I am really out of place when I remember I have less experience about these matters than the 15 year old kid next door.

I can understand why your studies have to take priority.

What I have to say is worth exactly what I’m going to charge you:

Finding guys to date instead of just have sex with is far, far easier if you have gay friends. It is the only way you can ever meet gay men in social circumstances. I’m older than you and came out during a time when it was much more homophobic here in the US. I lived in a small town with one gay bar. That I never went to. But I did make gay friends.

I have met people online: my last two lovers.

It takes lots of time. You need to have a profile on every possibly relevant website. Most of the people you communicate with won’t be worth your time. That is just the way it goes. As with your studies persistence may lead to success. But not quickly.

I’m a very romantic man. I prefer sex only with someone I care for deeply. At least anymore. But I worry about anyone young who allows themselves to remain a virgin. My experience has been that those who do that come to regret it bitterly in later life.

Best of luck with everything.

I have to agree with you, I am yet to meet someone who lives alone and is happy.

As I told you, I am trying ^_^. Thanks for the advice too.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about The Empowerment of Lust.
Thanks,
Richard

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