Topspace

I’ve found myself flashing into male top space often frequently. And crazily. Not to mention foolishly.

And what is this top space I’m talking about you may ask.

Well - oh the damned shame of admitting this - there was a twenty-four hour period when I was obsessed in an adolescent, immature, stupid sense - with anal sex with Heather Kozar. Now if I’d said the obsession was with Cillian Murphy I would feel no shame. For a gay man to want to penetrate another guy is wholesomely abnormal. Among the world of heterosexuals anal sex with a female involves shame and degradation. One of the reasons I’ll never be wholly comfortable with my straight sexuality.

Straight people still have too many unresolved gender based power issues.

For many - most? - gay men being the top is about having the orgasm. Or being unable to unwilling to provide an orgasm, at least anally. A declining minority of us are crackbrained addle pates who are burdened to lift up, strengthen, even exalt the bottom. We want to make them happy when we’re within them. And to be - I think I’m stepping in quicksand - empower them by being (I never said this) as their “daddy.”

So I’m back to square one. But the need of another brings out the best in me. Lifts me out of the apathy, the indifference. The kindest, most strengthening thing another can do for me is to need me.

But if I am lucky enough to find some gray-haired, slightly fey guy I do hope he’s strong in himself. Happy to have my support but able to get along without it

I’m still slightly open to someone transgender: are any of them brave enough to wear gray wigs after a certain age?