Unrealized sexuality: erotic power exchange

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In an earlier note I alluded to unfulfilled sexual fantasies. Wrong words. I'm meant really erotic experiences you wish you'd had or explored more deeply. They can haunt your private screenings. Or they can merely be examples of a more adventuresome or comprehensive sexual past that you wish you'd established for yourself. Discovered more truly your sexual capacities or maybe your limitations.

In old entries I mentioned my brief experiences with sexual power exchange. The young Sunday school teacher who licked my boots and I then spanked. It was a good night but I never did it again. As satisfying as I found being in total control I never repeated that night. A mix of many things: the leather queens in the bars back then were nothing I'd ever want to emulate. I've never identified with leather drag, however butch the wearer. Puts the power in the garments, not the person. My erotic energies were devoted to being a romantic schmuck. I loved a youth of perfect beauty and lived with a woman. Slapping a guy and making him my bitch was something I never got back to.

Too much time passes; I'm using the web to meet people. Twice I put myself on the other end. A kind Domme visits my home, ties me up and whips me. If you don't have a spark of masochism in you my saying that it was quite pleasant will sound nutty. The guy I try it with doesn't have the gifts necessary for a dominant. If you aren't cut out to be a master you'll seem like nothing more than an incompetent fool. There was almost a third but a silly Southern nelly guy on the phone said "Honey " I moved in with him. Sexual power exchange was quickly forgotten.

Oh, yeah, at the same time I did let submissives know that I was looking. Whether humbling yourself before another is a talent I can't say. Those that wrote to me wanted to top from the bottom: specificity of requests isn't the first thing to supply a potential master.

A considerable number of local crossdressers wrote to me. A boy in a dress over my knee isn't an unhappy image. But humiliating someone because they are feminine hits the wall of ickiness. The only one that I wanted to meet never showed. Couldn't' fault him: the fear, not of being controlled but of being exposed was probably too much.

I do regret that I didn't explore the BDSM, SSC, S&M - lots of acronyms for the same experience, though they do have their nuances - sides of my pansexual switch sexuality. My capacity for cruelty and control would be worth knowing. Looking back I'm a little peeved with myself for not having done so.

It has been interesting these last several years to see mildly kinky imagery popup in movies. Mostly handcuffs, seemingly the favorite accoutrement of heterosexual couples given to mild role-playing. I think what I've seen of the stronger stuff millions of hidden BDSM folks enjoy is always shown in connection with bad people, criminals. (Comedies don't count: comedy neutralizes almost everything.)

Though the dowdy class that writes many newspaper and magazine columns seem to consistently employ dominatrix when writing about assertive, powerful women. Or let a woman wear thigh-high boots and some leather. Boots have been sexy for a long time. That is why all those 60s girls wore go-go boots with their miniskirts.

But you could fill up a book bitching about the sloppiness of middlebrows as many have.

Now I'd challenge anyone who doesn't spend his or her evenings watching the Lifetime Channel to claim to be more gently romantic than I (and I'd suggest they go to a psychiatrist). To see a contradiction between love and power exchange is to be as nave as I was as a young man. Another reason I steered away from it. I wanted to bring the roses, not the thorns. Some people mix both.

I'd thought about writing about some of the fantasies that were never enacted in the flesh. Might be hard to do without seeming to write porn. Easy to drift into prolixity when talking about the unrealized. But I'd regret hearing the vanilla whimper of "Oh that is so creepy!"

But if you've been given to or wish you had experimented consciously with sex and power (instead of the unconscious ways in which you may already have) tell me about it. That's what the comment form is for. (I don't mind the people who reply by email but enjoy them more when the responses appear here.)


In the abstract, the idea of some B&D is something I find erotic, but the one time I tried it it fell far short. I was the submissive one, and maybe the dom wasn’t a good teacher, or maybe the environment wasn’t right, or maybe any one of a thousand other things was wrong. Whatever. I haven’t tried it since, but I still find the idea erotic, and will look at the magazine “Bound and Gagged” when I come across one (which isn’t all that often).

I’m new to your blog. Think I’ll hang around a bit and check out the neighborhood.

Being in control is a talent and a learned skill. With any sex you have to have the back of your mind set on the response of the guy that you are with: did he like having his neck nibbled, did your tongue shove too forcefully? It is a trickier balance to both be in charge and make sure everything is working for both of you.

Too many man think their mere desire to be on top is all that it takes to make it work. The night I had a young guy on his knees it probably worked because of his hunger, rather than my knowing what I was doing. My one time on bottom with a guy was simply annoying: he didn?t know what he was doing. The time with a woman was great but she was very experienced.

I sometimes read the ?Authoritarian? stories at nifty.org. Like most free erotica it is mixed in quality but it isn?t hard to skip the boring stories and go on to something that gets the libido going.

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