Unrealized sexuality: pansexuality

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In writing about my unrealized sexualities I've confessed that I could've enjoyed being slapped around, slapping around. Found pleasure in boys in dresses, people who are hermaphrodites or have achieved biological conditions for which there are no names. Loved women and maybe even a rough hairy daddy.

How young were you the first time you felt if only I knew what I've discovered when I was younger? I couldn't have been older than 25 the when that regret hit me.

Sure, I wish I could send the clock rotating manically in reverse and find myself young again with life's accumulated insights. Know myself as a pansexual man at, say, eighteen. A good age because there's no legal doubt about your parents' power over you.

Thinking clearly though I don't know what I would've made of my freedom if I could send myself back in time and biology. The penis will always have its sway. Even if you are a romantic schmuck like myself and would've blurred love with lust. My life could've had a greater variety of bodies. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have made equally dumb mistakes albeit with people who weren't just femme gay guys.

I'll grant the honorable frustrations of gay men who wish they could relive their past more wisely. But I really think they are mostly wishing they could recapture the desirability they had when they were young. Physically aging is cruel: we can't muster the admiration we once evoked in the pretty ones.

For some gay men that loss of social sexual potency is a loss of all they valued in their lives. But if you are lucky to be one of the people for whom being true to yourself is a real pleasure, adds value to your days then, hey, the increased depth of insight and empathy isn't anything to be dismissed. Pity there are so few of you.

One must give style to one's character!

Nietzsche said something like that.

Which doesn't mean you need to indulge in Oscar Wildean vampishness.

Being a camera for experience is an illusion. Everything about us is contingent on time, geography, biology and thousands of minutias that can't be accounted for.

You have to define your response to being alive somehow. Reach into your mind and shape the chaos of impressions. Something like that. We do it reflexively, most do it unthinkingly. (I hate it when I'm overwriting but some days I just can't shut up.)

Did I choose to care more for feminine gay men than butch or merely conventional men? Maybe. Masculinity as I knew it wasn't a good part of my childhood and youth.

Maybe not. Reaching back into my brain in the months after I first came out I remember lovely exemplars of soft, bitchy, shy, sassy, timid but always nelly young gay men. So my special predilection was alive even as I first began to know myself as a young queer man.

Their glitter, scent, ravishing silly ways remain will remain alive in my memory. Maybe I could've lived with and loved other people. But I got my snatches of passion and beauty. Only a fool wouldn't be grateful.

(And with this the series does really end.)

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The regret just hit me early last year. (Or earliest two years ago). I said I should have been a skinny 16 yr old boy wearing dresses, getting stalked, and getting kissed by other cute boys and daddies, and doing strange things….instead of sitting at home listening to bill evans and john coltrane records.

Everyone is telling me these days that had I gone the route of my wishes, I’d be a very different person today.

This realization coincided with the fact that it took me practically 10 years to this day to reach what I consider my ideal body image. I look as if I am right out of the box, ready for action.

Spiritually, however, I think I am damaged goods.

I too was thinking about the first year I met D. I used to weep lying beside him: I was so happy I found someone. I looked back at the beginning of this year, and found I had less than nothing.

Is it greedy of me to want that passion back in my life? Am I flying too close to the sun? It struck me that it was better to remove the tumor than let it metastasize in a slow death of a relationship. It’s a leap-of-faith, but I’ve never chosen a path for convenience’s sake.

As a 16 year old you might?ve had worse happen than stalkers. Particularly if you had the whim too fool some straight guy. If I were a young crossdresser I don?t know that I could resist trying that.

I?ve met plenty of folks who were having sex in their teens. On average I?ve never been able to tell if it made them better or worse.

We would be different, given different pasts. Pity there isn?t Parallel World TV. Then again being able to watch other editions of ourselves make choices we refused and have happier lives would be pretty painful. And seeing avatars of ourselves make deadly choices and suffer or die wouldn?t be much of a comfort.

Sexually, there isn’t that much that I’d change if I could go back. There are a few guys I wish I hadn’t fucked, and there was one relationship I would have avoided, but overall I can’t complain too much.

If I could go back and redo my career choices, now THAT’s an opportunity I’d jump at.

I don’t much regret the bad sex; it never lasted long enough to have a chance of being good. Relationships: ah, I’ve made so many mistakes there. Something I’ve wanted to post about but haven’t figured out really what I want to say.

Since I wound up working for myself I guess I can’t bitch about my final career choice. Wouldn’t mind having a greater gift for making money.

I don’t think there is anyway to assess the vast labyrinths that open up with choices taken and not taken. I do regret that I didn’t sleep around and reap the bounty when I was in my teens and in a sense in my twink years). But I’m not unhappy with where I am today.

And yes, it would be terrible to see me lead the good life now if I did this or if I did that. However, they are not things that I contemplate too much. Contemplating too much about past decisions is to time what lottery tickets are to money: You forget to use what you have now.

I?ll admit that I?m very glad I had plenty of sex when I was young. It cured me of many insecurities. But mostly because my options now seem frighteningly narrow.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Unrealized sexuality: pansexuality.

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Pansexual Sodomite
Ambiguously Gendered , Love and Lust , My Life is an Open Blog
Unrealized sexuality: pansexuality
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