What a queer sense of sexual identity
See more » Love and Lust See more » My Life is an Open Blog
Just at eighteen I discovered that I was gay. Shortly after twenty-five I found myself in bed with a woman and enjoying it.
I was about to say that I never identified as bisexual. But a memory intruded. I was working for a market research company; we were conducting a political poll I suggested to the client that bisexual be added to straight and gay as answers to the question "What is your sexual orientation?" That was back in San Francisco where the question didn't seem surprising.
Not that I was going around think "Wow, I'm bisexual" it was more "Damn, wasn't that a surprise!" Really I didn't think about it much. Living with a woman was something I took in stride. Though the night an old boyfriend offered me his bed for the night … Go slide up next to a beautiful young man one more time was tempting. But not worth the hurt I'd inflict.
If you read the old Legion of Super-Heroes you'd have met Triplicate Girl who, sadly, was reduced to Duplicate Damsel and eventually made 30th century superheroing a less silly place by retiring with her husband Bouncing Boy.
I've often wished I could have split into multiple selves who'd each follow a different sexual path and merge together many years later to see the experiences compared. What would've the edition of me who likes transgendered people had known it as a youth? Or if I'd come out as bisexual instead of queer?
Who would I have become if I'd been sleeping with girls instead of boys? Or would I have slept with anybody. My discovery of my love of a beautiful male I credit with waking me from illusions of asexuality (not conscious ones, just acting as if I were without sexuality). Being queer shook me out of myself and let me become a man instead of a nerd. And go on a diet.
And I cottoned mightily to not being merely normal. That was then. Now being queer is becoming as odd as having granola for breakfast. As it should be. Takes some of the pizzazz out of being gay though.
I fear a heterosexual me might've been one of those lonely souls who think sexual attraction is all about personality, worth, ahem, "soul." That is one of those chubby bookish or fannish creatures that lust after attractive women and wonder why they don't see his worth. Investing the objects of his lust with virtues they don't possess and feeling that their rejection of him is unfair, never admitting that he wants them only because they are beautiful.
More strongly I can't imagine not identifying as queer. Too many gay men have discovered themselves only to feel guilt and fear. Many of you are lucky enough to simply accept it as you do your hair color. Myself, I was bouncing up and down happy to be a fag. Sure it was childish pleasure in a confirmation of my outsider status. I wouldn't trade my giddy delight in my discovery of my queerness for anything.
I just can't imagine myself as a heterosexual, a straight man. My erotic life is deeply rooted in my admiration, love, compassion for a certain kind of gay guy, the soft, silly, swishy ones. Had I been merely straight I'd never come to really comprehend their struggle with the majority, straight and gay.
Had I been straight would I have made a fag joke for an easy laugh? Those are just dark imaginings. I know too many decent heterosexuals to really worry about what I'd have been like if I'd started out as straight. I wonder if I'd have had the luck to discover my pansexuality or anything aside from the least interesting vanilla sexuality.
Really, the idea that I might've been a merely heterosexual man just leaves me feeling as if weird creepy things are crawling across my skin.
If gay men did recruit I'd have been first in line at the fag recruiting station.