He and She

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In speaking of Alex with others I often refer to her as he. Mostly to spare confusion or unneeded explanations. Partly because I knew Alex as Sendy - a boy - for many years: habit.

When I use the male pronoun in talking of Alex with others often I feel a momentary confusion: falsity. For a long stretch now Alex has been wholly female: she’s my girlfriend.

But I never felt qualms about using he with Alex herself. Alex got upset last night. I’d unthinkingly used the male pronoun and wounded her.

You may think I’m stupid and insensitive. I’ll grant that but with a demurral. When I first really understood Alex’s sexual identity I asked about pronoun usage. She said not to worry.

Sometimes my brain works in too literal, an almost legalistic fashion. Perhaps from my long friendship with Gordon who is too lucid and plainspoken to fall prey to ambiguities.

I’m not wasting time on guilt. She’s my beloved and I must be more mindful and protective.

If my friend Pristine reads this he may recall that our first exchange years ago was about proper pronoun use and transvestites.

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I think it is absolutely essential to ask. Even if it’s embarrassing, asking is the right thing to do. And then use whatever the person requests.

I like RuPaul’s answer: “You can call me he, you can call me she, you can call me Regis and Kathie Lee - just as long as you call me.”

I’m not even sure I remembered what I said. Does it matter? I mean, girls, when hanging out together call each other “You guys..!”

Some even say, “dude….” to each other.

And those are like hottie girls too.

I was recently at an MTV LOGO interview as a girl, when a VP, who was conducting the interview asked, “how would you respond if a co-worker called you a schizophrenic dual personality because you are a trans person.” (kinda an odd question if you ask me).

My answer was this: “Call me anything you want, but you can’t take those 36 years away from me.”

My present RI (romantic interest) didn’t even like my girl name, and suggested changing it. Being diplomatic, I shot him and buried him under a fire hydrant.

You told me to use the feminine pronoun when the cd was en femme. It was so obvious I felt like a bit of an idiot.

To be honest it was mostly the fact that I was dressed that made you calling me ‘he’ sound strange.

I think, what with the difficulty/battle going on with my body hair (which some transfolk don’t have to deal with, though they may have other problems), I sometimes get insecure and/or gender dysphoria ‘attacks’.

When I told you not to worry about pronouns I was also probably just in a way better mood than the time I became upset. Sometimes, like I have said, I will just be upset and it waits for something to trigger it so it can come out - it could be any old thing perhaps.

Still, I definately prefer it when you call me ‘she’ when I am on the more feminine side of androgyny and I did figure that that was some kind of given, even if it may be going out of style (it’s certainly more empowering not to give a damn about it :).

That reminds me, I called a couple, one half of which was a t-girl, “you guys” online one time and I thought it was odd that the man got very defensive about it.

I always thought “guys” could refer to a group of mixed gender. I also get a couple of people calling me “man!” if they are excited or enthusiastic about something, even though they “she” me, so I guess that’s another colloquialism (SP?).

The “you guys” colloquialism is strange in that some people take offense to it, though really aside from the non-standard “ya’ll,” it really is the only way to address a group of mixed-sex people. Well, I suppose one can use the pronoun “you,” but that never has seemed adequate to me personally.

I wish the English language had something like the German “ihr” which is basically plural “you.”

Anyway, on topic… I just recently came out at work with being trans… and in the future when I go full-time at work, I think I will insist on my co-workers using female pronouns, but outside work… I really don’t care.

Ultimately, I am what society calls an “it”—pangender, if you will—but society cannot wrap its small brain around that concept, so for the sake of easing my coworkers’ minds, I plan to label myself with the closest acceptable gender label that fits me—she/her.

Alexandra has talked about average peoples’ need for gender normative labels. I suspect feeling pangendered is what many people do feel but ultimately settle on terms that are easier for the majority’s comfort.

Really glad you were able and brave enough to come out at work.

even the girls use the word guys among themselves.why worry about even as individual you have to remember the other person has known as member of your old sex for quite awhile give them abreak with old habits

Dylan and I go through this sometimes. Dylan is FtM, yet IDs as a very feminine fag-boy. We both often go out dressed as girls, but he gets upset whenever anyone addresses him as “she”. I always think of him as “he” though, even when he is dressed as a girl. But i never feel like a “she” even though i love being dressed in girl clothes, and being feminine. Perhaps it is easier for me, as deep inside i have always known that i was an androgyne, being smaller with rather feminine features (and, thankfully, zero body hair!)I guess i’m just happy to be open about being comfortable with being both male and female (or, perhaps, neither). Its all rather confusing, having been conditioned by society to think only in terms of the gender binary. Perhaps it will be easier for later generations, when maybe the concept of androgynes is not quite so foreign and threatening to society. One can only hope! In the meantime, i wish you and Alex all the best. You seem so well suited, and you deserve to finally find the kind of happiness that i have found in my own little boy-wife. xoxoxoxoox jimmy

I’m always happy to think of what you’ve found for yourself.

Alex/andra’s feeling should moderate I think over time as the HRT continues and she accepts herself as the woman she is. It is tough to cope with all the cheap and easy images the majority of people have in their minds.

She seems to be ever more positive.

Take care.

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