Ask the Pansexual Sodomite

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This particular weblog is listed in DMOZ as a sexuality site.

I guess it has been that often enough. There’s been no body part, no manner of erotic ingress and egress I haven’t addressed somewhere along the way.

Now I find myself feeling that I’ve said all I have to say about sex. Hmm, that can’t be true. That is a topic without limit. At least you’d think so.

And given my relationship with Alex surely there are new words just waiting to be typed. Admittedly I’ve anticipated much of what I might say about the two of us in my hypothetical notes gone by.

I’ve made this sort of protest before only to suddenly break out in fresh typings.

Some of you, my theoretical audience, I know drifted away during the Great Silence that followed Alex’s arrival. Cuddling (9 out of 10 ethnologists agree) beats writing about cuddling.

Almighty Google, I see is sending plenty of folks hoping to find dirty things that aren’t here. Not to mention the inevitable searches for pansexual and sodomite.

What to do?

Edifying Spectacle does have three other venues for my typing. And I have - what is it? - something like fifteen other sites. Whew! Ambition is a bitch, let me tell you.

Assuming your eyelids haven’t started to droop and that your itchy mouse button hasn’t already clicked you on to another site I’ll extend this invitation:

Ask me something. Ask me anything.

I’m setting myself up for no small humiliation of no questions follow.

But I’ve found that in establishing eve a fragmentary dialogue my mind perks up and the words start flowing.

Your turn.

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Out of curiosity, where in ODP did you find your site listed under Sexuality? I only see you in the Gay Men: L category. The description there is rather terrible, I’m sad to say; it doesn’t convey anything about your site. In any case, I checked the editor notes, and I didn’t see any listings related to Sexuality exactly.

Maybe I confused with ODP with the Yahoo! Directory. Sorry. I know it is listed as a sexuality site in a few places, which made sense when I was writing more about sexuality. (If I actually looked at my ODP entry it was years ago.)

Funnily enough this is the second time Iíve had an ODP editor see a remark I made about the classification of something of mine. In the other case he agreed the page was probably misclassified but I didnít really care.

I think I have five weblogs or websites in ODP. Only one of which I actually asked to be included. (My BDSM site, it got listed within a week of submission.)

As long as Iím replying to you as an ODP editor I really think you guys would be wise to remove the submission page. Iím not bitching because I have several sites I submitted that were never added.

After reading threads from webmasters going ďI submitted my site to DMOZ 87 years ago and it still isnít listed. What an evil, corrupt organization.Ē I suspect all the submission option does is create ill will among clueless website owners who canít distinguish between spending $300 with Yahoo! and asking an overworked volunteer to list their (probably worthless affiliate marketing) site.

Wow, where to start. I chose you to ask this question because you have a way of acknowledging stereotypes without being cagey or (too) judgemental of them.

Here’s my stereotype: Married, enjoy the occasional gay fling (once every couple years). Found out that “bottoming” is not by thing, and recently (for the first time) met a true exclusive “bottom” lover.

Here’s his stereotype: Very clingy, doesn’t need an orgasm, only wants to please his partner, calls me “daddy”, asks “will I see you again?”, much like I’d expect from a female partner.

Another male partner I’ve had in the past was a “top”, and for that reason we’ve drifted apart. However, our non-sexual intercourse was great. I enjoy talking to him, we have a pretty good repartee, and he’s good company. In bed, we just happen to want the same thing - not each other.

Now, the stereotype question: Is it possible to have the casual “male buddy” relationship with someone who is an exclusive “bottom”, sexually? Or are most/all bottoms somewhat masochistic, doting, clingy, and not all that intellectually stimulating?

I know I can be flamed to a pile of ash for being so blunt with my generalizations, but please understand I mean my question very genuinely and sympathetically to the people I’m discussing. Please don’t judge me as insensitive, as I’m just interested in whether this stereotypical view of gay partners is warranted, or borne out by the experience of gay folks in general.

It is hard to not say the obvious: that it depends on the bottom.

Plenty of guys who like to be on the bottom are bright and articulate. If the guy isnít interesting to talk with then you got yourself a dumb one (not that they canít be fun) or heís so focused on you fitting some sexual image he has that it blocks the rest of his mind.

I like doting and clingy guys but have known plenty who just want a top to give them a good screwing and get lost. This guy is foolish if he brought these kind of needs to casual encounters with a married man.

Masochistic? There are plenty of guys who want you to use them like the ďbitchĒ part of them feels he is. I tended to attractive them or guys who were on some level sexually submissive.

In my case that was self-selecting. What I tend to find attractive - very femme guys Ė seems to correlate with a sexually submissive streak. (Though they were generally anything but submissive out of bed.)

It is possible something about your profile or appearance makes you draw someone like that. Or thereís some quality that causes you to unintentionally select people like that. (However many we may be talking about.)

There are plenty of men from ďstraight actingĒ to hyper-masculine that enjoy being on the bottom in bed.

Iíd speculate that maybe these guys are less likely to use online hookup sites but I remember them being on AOL and Perhaps they are less likely to be interested in hooking up with a married man.

Again it may be something about your profile that draws a certain kind of person: e.g., that you are married of bisexual.

Hi. I have a question and a problem that I hope you will be able to help me with. I am a pledge in an all-guy Fraternity, and I am about to be an active brother. I am a gay guy,and a few of my Brothers know this. I have recently been approached by anywhere’s from three to four guys at a time, implying that they wanted to have sex with me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a hot, Frat guy as much as anyone else, but I am starting to get a bit too much attention from it. For Example, today I had a total of 12 guys from my Fraternity, and 13 guys from a rival one, asking me to have sex with them. I honestly don’t know what to do. I want this education and College experience more than any thing, but I don’t want to ruin my life over the stupid mistakes that I might make. I know that if I turn them all down, something bad might happen to me. There are several who I would “DO”, in a heartbeat, but it is just getting overwelming. I really need some guidance in this matter,please.

Sounds like you already know the answer: donít.

Having sex with people in a closed environment is always questionable. A similar situation is having an affair with a coworker.

Fun it can be but if something goes awry the consequences can be miserable and last lots longer than the fun. In work settings often one of the pair decides to leave simply to escape the discomfort.

Even if it were a gay fraternity the emotional fallout could be messy and itíd be best to find sex partners elsewhere.

I assume the guys who are approaching consider themselves straight or at least maybe a little bisexual but mostly homosexual.

Once heís had his orgasm he may not feel comfortable around you. He may even despise you. Being the frat house cocksucker is a common fantasy but is best left in fantasy.

If word gets around it could greatly affect how the other fraternity members perceive you. This isnít fair but could easily be the case.

You might find yourself so unhappy that you leave the fraternity if not the university. It isnít worth the risk.

You can find guys to have fun with in bars, on or OutPersonals.

That fraternity is going to be your home for the next few years, donít let your libido ruin that home.


Thanks very much for your thoughtful answers. Got time for a followup question?

Let’s say in the middle of intimacy this bottom in question starts calling me “Daddy”, and makes a point later to ask if he can call me that.

Is this weird?

Further, if it oogs me out, and he says “will we see each other again?”, and I kind of already don’t want to, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings… You know the rest.

I’m afraid I already know the answer, but how do break something like this off if he wants to keep seeing me on a weekly basis, or more? He pings my instant messenger window every day when he gets home from work. “Hey! I’m home. Working hard?”


K “better think this through better next time” S

Honestly I canít see being bugged by the ďDaddyĒ issue it isnít uncommon for either males or females to use phrases like that. Though mostly I think it is guys who say ďWhoís your daddy?Ē If you were to keep seeing him Iíd think accepting it is a fair recompense for the pleasure you get.

ďWill you see me again?Ē OK, the logical thing to do is tell him that heís just a bit of fun on the side. You have a life and he isnít part of it. Youíve described him as masochistic. It is possible that being relegated to minor status will actually satisfy him on some level. Not that he sounds that way.

Or you can flat out let him know that if he keeps on being so clingy then, no, youíll stop seeing him because it isnít something you can accept from a casual sex partner.

How to stop it?

You two communicate online. You can send him an IM or email and say that what he wants isnít anything that you are prepared to give and this is the last heíll hear from you. Then block him. Every instant messaging client and all email software lets you do that.

To be fair it isnít that simple for you. If it is just a matter of not wanting to hurt him then the kindest thing is to cut ties and cut off communication. If it is that you really donít want to give up the erotic gratification then put up with his quirks.

Hi, Richard. I actually stumbled upon your site in a very roundabout way…originally from a link on another blog, related to male pregnancy, oddly enough. Anyway, I’ve been reading through your entries and I’m finding your comments to be refreshing. I guess that’s because, when it comes to reading about gay issues on the ‘net, I seem to come across a maze of stereotypes. And that irks me, because I really feel that it doesn’t relate to me at all.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you about the whole question of dealing with one’s sexuality. I’ve known I’m gay for about as long as I can remember, but in my early teens, I had a very difficult time accepting my sexuality. I kept hoping that it was a phase and I kept thinking to myself that I’d “just try it” with girls in the future, hoping that I’d somehow find it satisfying.

I had a really, really difficult time with that. But when I was sixteen, I came across my first boyfriend and that changed my feelings quite a lot - it felt great, it felt natural and it seemed as though a major weight had been lifted.

But even now (at twenty-two), there are quite a few things that often make the whole thing seem really hopeless.

There’s the obvious stuff (like not being able to have children or get married, though the latter could easily change in my lifetime). And then there’s the general question about monogamy…

In my (limited) experience with relationships (I’ve had two serious relationships so far) and dating, I seem to keep running into people who are ostensibly interested in relationships but who, in reality, are only interested in sex.

I love sex as much as the next guy, but I feel like my natural ambition is to be in a longterm relationship with someone. I keep getting the feeling that it just isn’t going to happen, because so many guys seem to be completely content with casual sex.

Have you ever had trouble with any of these issues? What is your attitude toward them? I’m only young, so I am hoping that I will be lucky enough to come across someone who I can share my life with.

But, you know, friends constantly tell me to “just have fun”, which seems to mean “just have casual sex”. But really, I don’t enjoy it or find it satisfying. What these friends don’t understand is that I really don’t enjoy “just having fun” in that sense, even at a young age. It’s almost like a law that young guys are just supposed to enjoy their sexuality or whatever and eventually settle into a relationship later in life.

But really, why shouldn’t I want to have a relationship while I am young and healthy and able to completely enjoy it?

I’m still happy as a single guy, but sometimes there are aspects about other guys that make me feel disappointed or hopeless when it comes to the future.

Apologies if my comment is a bit too long and rambly - it’s quite late over here (all the way down here in Australia). Anything you have to say on the subject would definitely interest me.

Some of those things are outside my own emotional range. Iíve never wanted children. Iíd want to get married only if my lover did. (Aside from wanting some proper way to protect passing my property to him or her.)

When I first came out (wish I could point you to those earlier entries Ė I wasnít depressed, I was delighted) I had plenty of recreational sex. Eventually I to came to want something more. And had trouble finding it.

Straight people are more monogamous for negative reasons.

They become locked economically and legally.

My own parents stayed together far longer than they should have and it made my teenage years sheer Hell. A straight friend of mine desperately wants a divorce but it would just about destroy him financially. He has the single worst marriage Iíve ever encountered.

In many areas divorce is still considered shameful or a failure. Pressures from family, work, friends often bind couples together when they should separate.

And in many marriages at least one partner cheats. The infidelity is hidden. Again there are social and economic consequences.

Most of my friends are heterosexual. Most of them are single. Not because they want to be. Given their looks, intelligence and humane qualities I sometimes feel plain baffled and wonder why. I have no idea.

Many straight people get married because of lost (as did my friend in the rotten marriage). Again, they wind up staying together when they should split. Less often than years ago as divorce has become both easier and more accepted.

Because sex is easily available and often there arenít the same pressures on them to pretend the relationship is good when it isnít gay couples are less bind themselves together falsely.

That isnít a bad thing. Just less hypocritical and, maybe, damaging.

My relationship prior to my current one ended because he became a crack addict. It had nothing to do with our sexuality. I did live with a woman for five years. She left me to go off with a mutual friend.

When you are aroused it is a good idea to find somebody to have casual sex with. No good reason to not enjoy yourself. Nor do you need to live up to some stereotype of gay hypersexuality.

Plenty of gay men do want lasting love. That is never easy to find. History is filled with failed marriages.

And Iíve known many gay men whoíve stayed together for decades. Only because they really loved each other. And mature enough to cope with the stresses that come to any relationship.

Your age may be a small Ďproblem.í Many gay men I suspect arenít really ready to settle down until they are a little older. Again, that isnít necessarily an evil thing. Ten years from now you are apt to have grown and become a very different person. Makes it harder to form an enduring relationship when youíll be evolving and changing. As will the other guy.

Not that you shouldnít hope and look. I did. Though I fear I did waste too much time wanting. That didnít benefit me at all. Just made me miserable.

BTW, you donít enjoy relationships any less when you get older. Trust me.

Thanks for your reply, Richard.

It’s not that I think I won’t enjoy a relationship as much when I’m older, it’s that deliberately waiting for a relationship to come at some arbitrary age is not something I’m wanting to do. I know you are not suggesting that, but my friends seem to be.

One of the main things is, a lot of my friends seem to be able to detatch emotion from sex entirely. But for me that’s a problem. If I have casual sex, I don’t tend to enjoy it very much, because I have no connection with the other person at all.

On the other hand, sex within a relationship is always so much more enjoyable for me. No doubt that’s also because my partner knows me and has learned what I like…so you know, there’s perhaps a little more knowledge and experience occurring there. I’m sure that helps.

As far as marriage and children go, I suppose it’s mostly the fact that I feel I should have the option to do these things if I desire. I agree with you about the point on marriage and divorce - marriage can create that pressure to stay together, even when it may not be best to do so.

On the other hand (and as you actually pointed out), marriage does provide some kind of legal stability in a relationship, in terms of physically having a legally-recognized partner, which provides certain benefits.

I’m very much a family-oriented person (which is why I’ve always considered it humorous that anti-gay conservatives label themselves as “pro-family”), so I’ve always thought that at the very least, I’d love the option of having children. I guess adoption is always a possibility, but as you can imagine, being able to actually father a child with a partner naturally would be quite an experience…and there would be nothing like it.

I guess that even if I had the ability to have children naturally, I don’t know if I necessarily would - there’s the whole argument about the pressures that having gay parents can put on a child. But yeah, I suppose that having the option would at least be nice.

Anyway, thanks again for your comments…it’s even later here, so hopefully I’ve been making sense!

By the way, do you have MSN or AIM? It would be nice to chat sometime, if you are interested. I’m assuming that you must get requests about that now and then, but I thought I’d ask.

By the time I was in my mid-twenties Iíd lost much of my own interest in casual sex (not all of it).

Since for me the pleasure in sex is mostly about caressing and kissing Ė Ďforeplayí Ė I know what you mean about sex in a relationship.

Though after a few failed relationships I probably came to enjoy casual sex more again. Like many men I do need some sort of sexual expression involving another human body.

You might meet a Mr. Right tomorrow or it may be a few years from now. Just donítí starve yourself sexually in a way that is self-deceiving. But if you donít feel the need donít let the peer pressure bother you. People are always expecting others to conform to one perceived norm or another.

Iíve never enjoyed online chatting. That I do it with my lover is a testimony to my love.

I don’t have a question at the moment, I just wanted to say that I enjoy your blog, and that it’s like nothing else I’ve read on the web. You have a unique voice and I always love your honest, loving, humane and questioning approach to life. That’s something I aspire to.


Since I often fear I’ve run out of things to say the kind words are very much appreciated.

love your site…my facts as follows…mtf post op transexual since i was 19…have been married for the last 7 years…needless to say i am a nympho always needing and wanting sex for fun and for affirmation…in the beginning much more frequent sex and now once a week…he has a high profile job and i realize work stress can calm any sex life…but still i am a nympho…recently it has escalated to a feeling that i he might be a tad bisexual and maybe i am fooling myself for what regular heterosexual guy can truly accept me as non biological female and still be technically super straight…its the what if’s that has me a bit saddened and frustrated..what if he like many of your readers has flings with men outside my marriage or flings with “real” woman and only stays with me cause he deeply loves and wants to take care of me but feels as long as he takes care of me then its alright to have flings? i dont feel my health is at risk hes a very educated and smart and very very sensible and logical man….maybe to logical with enough patience to boot…should i just sew my oats and advertise online to fullfill my mental well being and not worry about what he might be doing or divorce him cause i realize the type of relationship i think i want is more sexual…and to add to that..will i find a man who will easily accept and love me just the same…not that i feel it matters..but i am pretty darn beautiful and of course passable and highly intelligent…lol..sorry for the arrogance but its important that you dont conjure up a over the hill post op bitter with life…but more so…i dont want to be missing out on my sexual life with someone i realize is not compatible…i feel i went to extremes to make myself feel better and the irony is that i have married a man who doesnt think much of our sex life…and i am pretty darn good at fucking…thats what pisses me off…lol.thnks for you time and hope for an email reply…ciao

I know what you mean about needing sex for affirmation as much as fun. I once lost someone I loved deeply because I was sexually neglectful. And have been on the neglected side myself.

I’ll hazard a couple of guesses:

It is that lack of affirmation – possibly something as transsexual you need more than someone who was born with right gender – that makes you feel he might become unfaithful.

Infidelity is something a surprising number of men can justify to themselves. Since I feel as if monogamy was encoded in my genes I can’t empathize with it. But you don’t really know that he’s cheating or thinking about it.

Have you been able to talk to him about your feelings? I know that sounds tough. You don’t want to add to his stress. Ideally you are doing whatever you can to help him relax when he comes home (I know that could sound sexist but if this were a relationship between two guys I’d made the same observation).

Do you ever make passes at him? That could be anything from getting into the shower after he gets in and offering to wash him to kissing him behind the ear to grabbing his crotch (you know what turns him on best).

Or – it is a clichť – going away somewhere for a weekend, where the familiar environment isn’t around.

Maybe you could get him to confess a secret fantasy that he’s never lived through.

Naturally talking is the important thing. But sometimes finding acts that will relax or arouse your partner works better than words.

Very best of luck.

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Pansexual Sodomite
Ambiguously Gendered , Love and Lust , My Life is an Open Blog , Sodomitical Polity
Ask the Pansexual Sodomite
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