Bipolar, panic attacks, generalized anxiety disorder, Crohn’s disease, acid reflux, migraine headaches
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Looking back over my last entries I already feel distant from the terror of finding Charles in a coma Sunday morning. And the following uncertainty: would Charles recover, was I going to be alone? The morning Charles almost died wasn’t as terrifying. The EMS people revived him a few minutes after he stopped breathing. My imagination wasn’t afforded the time to catalog the possible horrors.
Both times Charles had successive nights of bipolar highs that kept him from sleeping. And he was indulging in dangerous self-medication. His memory fumbled and he took his ‘medicine’ once too often. There’s the old cliché about the lawyer who is his own client. Someone who tries to be his or her own physician is an even bigger fool.
This must cease. I can’t cope with such terrifying accidents. I’d leave Charles. I pray he’s not merely learned how deadly foolish he’s been, that he’s finally too terrified to ever come so close to being his own accidental murderer.
Charles’ doesn’t have an easy path. Bipolar disorder, panic attacks, generalized anxiety make for an unsteady inner life. Crohn’s disease, acid reflux, migraine headaches tear at his body as well as his mind.
I’ve made his life easier, a little happier. I’d hoped I could more directly strengthen him. I’ve rarely tried to stop Charles from doing anything aside from telling him I thought it was foolish or wasteful. Perhaps the time has come for me to be stern. To intervene in his actions for both our sakes.