Charles & Remeron
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I felt very sad this morning. After four years with Charles I'm aware of the distinctive shape, coloring and shading of his moods. When we last we spoke his misery was audible in almost every syllable. Tolerate immodesty for a sentence or two. In losing me, Charles lost one of the best things he ever had. He really does need someone who can accept, cope and carry on.
He had been lonely and hurt. I'd forced him to go to Alabama when I knew he didn't want to. I wanted the peace his absence would offer. Instead I stood in my front yard hurting because I believe he was hurting.
His phone call this morning was a sharp surprise. Charles was cheerful and sounding as clear and reasonable as I can recall. His new medication, Remeron, whether as a placebo or a genuine psychochemical miracle worker had lifted him out of the cramped subjectivity that governs most of his moments.
Of course how long the cheer and clarity will last is always a question.
I spent most of my late morning groaning because an old surgery scar is hurting badly. But the bodily agony was offset knowing my former lover was happy.
Though he does seem to be hoping he can somehow win me back …