Just clarity, balance and acquiesce

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Charles is unusually tired. Heís eating half-tolerably by his standards. That means heís buying McRibs from McDonalds instead of trying to subsist on sugar and caffeine.

Yíknow, sometimes living with Charles is so challenging, demanding, exhausting I wonder if I can manage to get us through another week.

Too many days when he awakens in a irritable mood. A hellish way to start the day even if you are sitting in another chair. Succeeding hours spent listening to carping, griping, ingratitude.

Some of his daily problems stem from his own bad habits. His diarrhea would be greatly abated if heíd eat slightly less crazily. Some of his other complaints could be cured by thirty minutes of application a day. He is the Bad Habit poster child.

My own efforts are redirecting his behavior meet with equal parts resentment and resignation. And his weaknesses have exacerbated mine.

Should I leave him I sometimes wonder. Are the last two years a terrible, terrifying mistake. If I did what would happen to him.

But donítí I deserve better. Iím neither superhuman nor a saint. Thereís nothing nobler than caring for another. But not at the loss of my own peace, my own ability to act as a sane man.

No, Iím not planning on leaving Charles. Or even significantly altering any part of my life. Iíd like to do the latter. But without it seeming as devastating as a blast of dynamite. Instead Iíll keep my mind limp and continue to flow with The Way. Because that is what my mommy taught me.

But I do appreciate this chance to whine in public. I donít know if confession is good for the soul but it serves if nothing else as an emotional laxative.

My greatest esteem to Teri Lee. And to that group of you that daily handle your lifeís contradictions and limitations with grace.

Some days there are no solutions. Just clarity, balance and acquiesce.


Richard. it’s been many years. i’ve often wondered what has happened to you. always thought you’ld either wind up a millionair porno king. just kidding , sort of. e mail me we’ll dicuss old times living next to diaz’s with bill. charles st john died of aids in 88. you remember him?

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Pansexual Sodomite
My Life is an Open Blog
Just clarity, balance and acquiesce
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