Living with a crack addict: waiting for the conclusion

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The state of me.

Two weeks of separation have been good for me.

Progressively the idea of seeing the boyfriend again has shifted from dread to anticipation.

Not that I'm letting the anticipation confuse me.

Crack and the other drugs must be gone. They must never return. If they return, I depart.

Compromise however humane sounding would only destroy me.

My self-willed slumber has ended. When you find yourself living with a crack addict you have two choices: get him well or flee. While you don't want to cheat him of the possibility of recovery getting a crack addict well isn't an easy task. And if your own face has been too long drawn across a ditch only a fool would fail to get it clean again.

I can offer him the acceptance, be the haven, a comforter as I have always been. But my days as an inadvertent patsy have ended.

I'd say wish me well but I'm sure you do.

Work will probably keep me distracted until he's back and in a treatment program. Additions may be slow in coming.

With luck the reports will be happy ones. Without luck I'll be writing from my new address.

Comments

Best wishes

As always, best wishes. Glad you have the distraction of work. I’d be overwhelmingly obsessed otherwise.

My husband is a crack addict. I am contemplating suicide. I can not live like this anymore and I love him so much I don’t want to live without him. More to my story later.

I finally had to throw him out. I was letting him destroy my own life.

About a year later he died of an overdose.

My partner is a crack addict. It is so unbelievable how messed up things really are. We have been together for almost four years - he has been using the entire time. I can’t even really begin to explain how I got caught up in this relationship. I fell in love. I know it sounds crazy, but, if you could just cut the crack out, we would have the most perfect life two gay men could ever hope to for. I’ve recently come to accept that the disease is not only with him, but with myself as well (hince, why I believe “if you could just cut out the crack” - that’s called rationalizing) and I am getting help for myself. Unfortunately, as I reframe my mindset, I see him slipping further into his addiction, but that is how it has to work I suppose. All the things that I thought I was doing right, as it turns out, was just making things worse. At one time, I was a free spirit, irresponsible, happy-go-lucky; then, when I met him, our relationship developed and next, when I realized the truth about his addiction, I snapped. I became a responsible adult, getting my life in order. No more wild partying (unless it is on schedule), I started going to work on time and actually feeling like I could make something out of myself carreer-wise. I even went back to school and, in a few more months, I’ll have an MBA. I bought a house - well, WE bought a house, but of course everything has to be in my name … I’ve started doing all the things I never thought I would ever be able to do for myself. The messed up thing is, I not only took control of my life, I took control of his too. I started keeping us both in check- making sure bills for both of us were paid, making sure we both got to work on time. The fact is reality hit when I realized that, no matter how many time I pick him up and provide an opportunity for recovery, he will always go back to the crack. It will kill him one day, unless he gets help. I know now that I can’t give him help. All the comforts I provided him, food, shelter, everything; it all just paved the way for his addiction to progress because no matter how bad it gets, he will always be okay as long as I intervene. I’m truly sorry that I was actually enabling his addiction all this time, but it is REALLY hard to stop. I just have to tell myself over and over that, no matter how pitiful he is, if I reach out and help it is only hurting him. I have to let him go all the way down and let him make his decision, he will either get better of die. If I keep helping him, he will die because he will never really want to get better. As for me, I am committed to getting better. I was actually at the point that I was completely delusional a few months ago. I didn’t feel anymore. I could smile, laugh, keep up appearances, but there was really nothing there inside anymore. If my partners was out missing, smoking crack, I could write it off as nothing and life would just go on. It’s amazing how many people you can really fool in life. I suppose at some point it all comes to the surface however. All I know is that I want my life back. I want a real life with my real friends, some of whom I had actually cut myself off from due to the circumstances. I don’t care if I have to take a few steps back, I just want to move forward. The hard things is, once you’ve interwined every aspect of your life into someone elses, how do you really disconnect? In trying to achieve all the things I though I wanted, I’ve built a disfunctional hell on earth around me - and the most messed up thing is that it actually somehow works to keep itself going. As for the person who said they are contemplating suicide - please understand that there has to be another way. There is help out there. Unfortunately, it is not as easy for us to find it as it is for the addicts, but you can start by checking with programs that are there for addicts. The people there can usually direct you in the right direction.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Living with a crack addict: waiting for the conclusion.
Thanks,
Richard

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