Lovers who won't read your words (a followup)

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About a week ago I bitched that the guy I've lived with for almost four years doesn't read Pansexual Sodomite.

Several folks were kind enough to comment. Distractions and the last lingering bits of illness kept me from writing replies. This is a catch-up.

I think most of us write our weblogs for the pleasure in itself. Sure, some guys hope to influence others, some record news snippets (I do myself elsewhere), for others it is a broadcast newsletter to let their friends know what they've been up to.

Of what I've posted over the years my favorite entries are the ones, sometimes running as long as three thousand words, where I explore my inner shiftings that I sometimes fancy personal evolution. Many of my entries are responses to things I've said to others on their own weblogs or email. The thoughts kept on ramifying or I wanted to sum things up to myself. (Not that I ever allow myself to reread what I've written. Talk about feelings of inadequacy ).

Asking him wasn't mean to replace talking. We've talked a lot, used to be with more pleasure but intently on dilemmas and bugbears in our shared life. Some of what I've written has continued or refined conversations with him.

My hope was that reading would perhaps carry more cogency or give more insight than my spoken words. Really, talking with someone for whom I care is more fun than typing for the weblog.

If my love for him hadn't been faltering, if the rough patches threatened to drive me to leaving him I'd probably not have seriously cared that he didn't bother to read what I write.

In reading replies I felt folks had missed a key paragraph:

Back in May I told The Boyfriend that my dissatisfactions were reaching critical mass Among the many caveats and directions I gave him was to take a look here. He never did.

To put it more plainly I told him that often being near him left me so angry and hurt I was happy only when he wasn't around. My hope that reading here might help us preserve a life together was a faint one. That he didn't bother seemed damning proof that he wasn't willing to work to keep us together.

Prior note: What is your lover doesn't read your weblog?

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Sounds like you got it right. If he’s not more interested than that, then the answer seems pretty clear.

I wrote to you about the orginal post yesterday I am the guy that was at work and have been with the same man for 30 years a rereading of my comment I realize I had somewhat lost the orginal reason for my note.( I am sure you can tell I am not that computer literate and my spelling is poor at best). A brief history of my man and me

We met I was 23 and he 29 in a bar we have not been apart since.

Approximately 18 years ago he was diagnosed with Bulleas Emphysimia, Rumatoid Aurtheritis, Ostospysperosis(again the spelling) and a couple of lesser but still serious illness(no AIDS Thank God). 11 years ago I was hurt on the job and have a progressive disorder that causes me continous pain and has put me in the Hospital a few times plus treatened my employment(Again Thank God no AIDS).

My day starts at 5:30am to go to work and ends after taking care of him after work around 12:30am. We are constantly broke due to the cost of medications that the insurance will not cover.

Over the course of the past 30 years we have had periods where I was convinced the relationship was over and that the above was all too difficult to deal with. I know he has felt the same. Many things have been done and said to each other that were hurt-full. My suprise over his reading my “Bile Book” was I had felt there was a disintrest in me from his illness’ and the heroic struggle he has in order to live each day.

Long term gay relationships are in the best of times difficult to impossible

What I am trying to say is that if there is a real love then it is worth fighting for. Drug addiction is the same as a life threatening disease and these diseases consume the victum to the exclusion of others. But, If his problem is truly unsolvable, he will not fight his illness and try to live day to day then you will have to decide if the relationship is worth your investment. Do you love him enough to support and fight for him? Does he love you enough to fight for his life and for you(He absoultely has to)? This road, either way, is not easy for you or him. You have my prayers(From all I have experianced over the years I do belive in a maker)

Best Wishes, you remain in my thoughts, and I will continue to read your Blog when I can.

Never worry about spelling and such.

Yours is a very sobering story, powerful personal testimony to say the least. The guy I live with has many health and emotional problems. I accepted them when we moved in together.

At this moment I really doubt we can stay together. There’s more behind that than the crack. There’s lots I might say but won’t until and if we are officially separate. Since he is currently spending his time in a place where he can’t get money with which to buy drugs I haven’t been able to tell him that I think it is over.

Until I talk to him I feel that I’ve said as much as I can. Possibly more than I should have but I need the purgation of public speech.

Your comments are very deeply appreciated. Thank you.

I just read your response to my comment(30 year guy)

I am sorry to see you have reached this point. I am sure it was done with much soul searching and was a difficult decision to make. Your writing indicates that you are courious and thoughtfull.

The discussion between you two will be at the least difficult (after spending 4 years together) but please do what is best for you.

Your blog is one of the most interesting and covers a great range of topics with a huge span of emontional response. Whatever you do please keep writing You have a fan in the US and I tell others of your writings.

If I can ever get my home computer to work, would you be receptive to communications off the comments on the blog(this is Okay with me either way)?

Again: you have my best wishes and prayers that all will turn out for the best.

Good luck in all you do.

To my anonymous friend:

This is a very quick reply. Something more should follow in a day or two.

I do like it better when exchanges happen on the weblog because it may draw in, help more people. But I don’t insist on it.

If you did use your email address in an entry only I would see it. They are never, ever shown on the website. It just allows me to reply directly. Not a big issue.

You can always make up a nick name to use in the name slot for replies so I’ll know it is you. A couple of regulars on my various weblogs are “Tight Sweater Boy” and “Dr. Theology.”

Sweetie, have you consider telling him directly or actually writing a short letter to your boyfriend might be more effective. For some reason you remind me of the girl who writes of how she is underappreciated in her diary, leaves it on her bed, and hope that her parents or her boyfriend would read it and understand. Granted, you actually went one step further and told him to.

To me, blogs and livejournals are like a confessional with a screen, there is a strange kind of privacy in that the whole net can read what I’m putting up there, but they don’t know who I am, and I don’t anyone I know to ever read it. Or if they do, I don’t want them to know that it was me. Similarly if someone I know ask me to read their blog with a “we need to talk” face I’ll be a little nervous. Try face-to-face. Or study cards with points on it.

1) I specifically told him to read it.

2) I write under my real name, not an alias. Many of my flesh-life friends read it and talk to me about it.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Lovers who won't read your words (a followup).

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Pansexual Sodomite
My Life is an Open Blog
Lovers who won't read your words (a followup)
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