Lovers who won't read your words (a followup)
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About a week ago I bitched that the guy I've lived with for almost four years doesn't read Pansexual Sodomite.
Several folks were kind enough to comment. Distractions and the last lingering bits of illness kept me from writing replies. This is a catch-up.
I think most of us write our weblogs for the pleasure in itself. Sure, some guys hope to influence others, some record news snippets (I do myself elsewhere), for others it is a broadcast newsletter to let their friends know what they've been up to.
Of what I've posted over the years my favorite entries are the ones, sometimes running as long as three thousand words, where I explore my inner shiftings that I sometimes fancy personal evolution. Many of my entries are responses to things I've said to others on their own weblogs or email. The thoughts kept on ramifying or I wanted to sum things up to myself. (Not that I ever allow myself to reread what I've written. Talk about feelings of inadequacy … ).
Asking him wasn't mean to replace talking. We've talked a lot, used to be with more pleasure but intently on dilemmas and bugbears in our shared life. Some of what I've written has continued or refined conversations with him.
My hope was that reading would perhaps carry more cogency or give more insight than my spoken words. Really, talking with someone for whom I care is more fun than typing for the weblog.
If my love for him hadn't been faltering, if the rough patches threatened to drive me to leaving him I'd probably not have seriously cared that he didn't bother to read what I write.
In reading replies I felt folks had missed a key paragraph:
Back in May I told The Boyfriend that my dissatisfactions were reaching critical mass … Among the many caveats and directions I gave him was to take a look here. He never did.
To put it more plainly I told him that often being near him left me so angry and hurt I was happy only when he wasn't around. My hope that reading here might help us preserve a life together was a faint one. That he didn't bother seemed damning proof that he wasn't willing to work to keep us together.
Prior note: What is your lover doesn't read your weblog?