Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
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As I lay there I realized my pillow was wet from my tears.
Why this seems to always come to my mind when I’m getting the store’s money out of hiding for the register I can’t say. To die silently in my sleep that night seems as good a future as I can expect.
That Charles might be the last nelly gay guy in my life was what I’d been thinking of before I found myself silently crying. The gestures, the voice that so many despise. Guys more feminine than women. Thank all of you for having been alive.
That this form of wonderful androgyny had passed from my life wasn’t necessarily what had me crying. Part of me cannot recover from Charles’ death. Partly it may be the masculine vanity of feeling that not saving him I’d somehow failed.
Mostly it is likely that I’ve never been good at being able to stop loving those I’ve once loved. Charles was one of the worst choices of my life. We’re sadly both better off that he’s gone. Maybe one day I’ll be able to wake up and feel that.
Right now I feel as if something has been ripped out of me and hope is something that will never again be a part of my life.
Maybe if Alex could stay here with me.
I’m so tired of getting up without feeling that I really want to be alive. Thankfully simple programming gets me to work. Often I feel I could sit on my couch until I waste away.
It is as if I no longer have the skills to manage my emotions. I’m too vulnerable to be able to face life without those.
Ever since I was on the verge of young manhood I’ve mustered what I can to evade the chaos. So many times, I’ve failed. So many years wasted.
But a sense of being blessed - in a private secular sense - has kept me happy.
Now I feel that I’m dying, trapped somewhere between apathy and despair.
This shames me deeply.
No one can really master their heart. But without the skills to evade the pain …
I have to hope that my essential sanity will reassert itself and life seems worth the effort.
Hopefully when Alex is back I can recover my strength.
I’m not really fool enough to think that I’d be better off dead.