On recovering

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To Alec and the rest of you who have been so kind in comments and emails, my thanks.

I'll be seeing my former lover sometime today. Haven't in almost a week though we talk on the phone. The calls can be draining. He repeatedly tells me that he loves me. I'm sure he does. I love him but as a friend - no matter what happens - he'll always be someone I cherished as deeply as I can. Whether we can remain friends is yet to be proved.

As of the first of the month I cut him off financially. Well, sort of, through a friend I've made sure he has money for sodas, cigarettes and gasoline. Since I no longer expect him to pay part of the mortgage on the house I started giving him the money from the monthly disability check deposited in my account. It took him about ten days to spend every penny on pot and percocet.

He needs to rent an apartment, to try living on his own. Something he's never done in his thirty-one years. If he'll try to take care of himself he can count on me for extra money, advice and some of my time. If he can't help himself then there's nothing I can do for him and I'll eventually be forced to shut him out of my life.

I'm still need in much recovery, there are legacies of our relationship that need to be bared and banished. I find the presence of other people almost intolerable and it is only by an act of hard will that I can cope with working at my used bookshop at all.

The house needs to be reclaimed from his horrific untidiness. Since his name is still on the title deed knowing that he has the right to enter at anytime freezes my will.

My health and my sexuality need to be rehabilitated. The latter isn't that hard: I know what I need to do and how to do it. Good health isn't an esoteric secret that requires quack diets and the secrets of radio and TV gurus. Sexual recovery is harder. The penis is a tricky master and potential partners aren't apt to be forgiving of failures.

There's lots more I could say but this is long enough for now. My attempts to recover my life will surely fill many future entries.

Again, thanks to you all.

Comments

I’m very glad that you’re surviving so well. Good luck Richard, I’m still reading and hoping for the best for you.

Good luck

Richard,

Thank you for still posting and responding to emails during your crisis. I have found that it can be hardest to give love or be transactional (suitabley cold word) socially when you are in any sort of dark tunnel. At those times one is probably supposed to seek and find comfort in others can actually be when isolation feels most like the best default.

May you have strength,

Nov

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about On recovering.
Thanks,
Richard

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