Pansexual confusion
» My Life is an Open Blog
As I feel my relationship of the last four years failing I find my pansexuality at war with me.
With uncaring caprice I find myself attracted by the idea of one kind of person one moment, another the next.
This is the only time I objectify transvestites. But few crossdresses achieve a holistic balance I could accept.
Then I wonder why I haven't tried a hairy butch daddy.
To bounce back to the thought that if I'd only done the right thing I might still be living with a woman.
Well, how about a plain, normal post-gay queer guy.
But would I ever be happy with anything other than a old fashioned nelly gay guy?The answer to the last is really yes. Sadly, yes.
Desire and wishful thinking ricochet about my mind, focusing momentarily on one fascination or another.
If only I were younger, if only the last few years hadn't taken such an evil toll on my body. Those are the only consistent themes.
The confusion will eventually abate: there's no reason to lock into one mode. The pain, eventually, will as well. And given time I can return to being something like the - to use the wicked noun - man that I want to be.
Comments
i am just recently beginning to extend my options to f-t-m drag kings. it was something that i never really thought about, being that my sister is one of the biggest practitioners around (she was actually a guest on montel williams show entited, “no way in hell that’s a girl.”)
i came to this realization when i discovered that it didn’t much matter whether it was actually attached or not.
just somebody who is a nice boy who could give me sweet kisses. well, that’s all the charm isn’t it?
Posted by: pristine | September 16, 2004 10:52 AM
Makes good sense. I’ve been told by others who’ve dated them they sometimes get to caught in the hardcore butch thing but I think you might be more likely to meet someone who can see gender qualities, gender play in a sane context.
I was impressed by the story of Pat(rick) Califia who I understand went FTM because she was in love with a gay man.
I think some do have something attached.
Posted by: RIchard | September 17, 2004 3:02 PM
what is this “hardcore butch” thing you speak of? i think i know…but i want to hear it from you.
Posted by: pristina | September 18, 2004 3:01 PM
I couple of women who like and date FTM guys said some of them sometimes go a bit heavy emphasizing that they’re “the man.” Variously by swagger, assertiveness - though I don’t think assertiveness really is gendered - or hypermasculine garb.
Posted by: RIchard | September 18, 2004 4:22 PM