Passion or the lack of it

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Last night Charles and I watched The Vicar of Dilby. During one episode Charles sat on the floor with his head resting against my knee. How often I've wanted that. I don't mean him being on the floor. Just the silent affection.

He was feeling very vulnerable. Weighing heavily on both of us is my telling him that our relationship hasn't given me enough. That once I have the money I may very well leave him. When he is loving and vulnerable like that the terrible havoc it will wreak in his life if I go strikes me hard.

But I need to protect myself. I'm not young. With each passing day my chances to get what I want out of life lessens.

Charles has done many terrible and foolish things. I've paid for them, forgiven them.

But I can't forgive a lack of romance and passion. With full acknowledgement of the practical parts of the lives of two people living together without passion the rest of the relationship becomes trivial.

Charles' can't be faulted. I said come and live with me and he said "Okay." That I didn't get more is my own fault for not having taken more time and care to ensure that I would.

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I’m sorry. But I understand and agree with you.

My relationship is pretty quirky in the passion department. It is low-key, relaxed, and there have been some long gaps between passionate encounters. The first 21 months of the relationship were long distance, connecting face-to-face at 30-60 day intervals. The passion was part of most of the short interludes when we were able to connect, so we looked forward to having more of that and widening the sexual expression once we were together all the time.

It hasn’t turned out like any of my prior relationships in some ways. Yet, this relationship has turned out to be so strong in many ways, as well. Mike is just one of the most solid, unshakable folks I’ve ever met. He has his quirky aspects in general, but there’s a steadiness I just love. He doesn’t seem to doubt or question what we have, even/especially when things do get rougher.

Once we figured out that neither of us was withering away related to the low passion quotient, that we were both surprised and curious about it without being overly frustrated or feeling deprived and lonely, I was able to relax and let go of my preconceptions about what the passionate side of things was supposed to be like. That has been pretty freeing.

And, freeing things up has opened the door to fun passionate encounters together. So, we’re not raging sexual dynamos. We don’t fit the couple mold in so many ways to begin with, this is just one more aspect of that.

Maybe I’d be more insistent about wanting something more or different from this relationship if it weren’t for my prior relationships. Married to a woman, sex was a recurring issue because she wanted much more than I did. The first major relationship with a guy was incredibly hot and fun (something fun about tall, hairy, hunky guy who is a passionate bottom) but it was a mercurial, often crisis-driven relationship. The next was with the sweetest, gentlest guy who seemed to be stable and a survivor, until he committed suicide.

There still are ups and downs in the current relationship, but 3 years into it the dominant theme is simply that we fit well with each other. We have something simple and stable and good.

Sometimes one just never knows what’s going to end up working best, I guess.

I’m in the exact same place. I love my partner, I adore him. But there is a huge lack of passion which I miss terribly. I want it to be with him. I’ve had passion without stability. Now I have stability and little to no passion. Both stink…

ouch. But then again, you haven’t discovered the magic of cheating. Keep the comfort zone of the known quantity, and induce passion through the insolence of unafraid conquests in strangers, and strange lands.

Given what has happened - or perhaps what hasn’t happened - during the last year I can understand some motivations for infidelity better than I ever expected. Who knows maybe if I hadn’t let misery make me fat I’d have given into some mad impulse and cheated.

I’d like to say I know that I wouldn’t have but really can’t feel sure.


In my relationship the imbalance is simply too extreme. I’m strongly sexual. My sexuality is about as adaptable as anyone’s can be. I could cope with a mild inequality in desire. But when it gets down to no sex at all and all the wonderful passionate things that precede orgasms - actually some of the best lovemaking I’ve known left us so exhausted we collapsed before we got to the genital business - then the inequality of desire just tears at me.

I’m there too. I love my lover deeply, we fit together on so many levels, but sex isn’t one of them. It gets better, slowly - part of it is that we have such totally different rhythms, so slowly we’re learning; I’m learning to be more dominant and he’s learning how to kiss - and, yeah, I miss the heat of passion. Bluntly, I’m kinda bored. I could cheat, I suppose - but I’d feel so dishonourable I’d be incapable of hiding it forever and then that would be that. And I love him and our life together, so I’d lose more than I gained. Sigh. Good to know I’m not the only one, though.

“he’s learning how to kiss” that really hit me. The guy I live with has as well. It was a shock to me that anybody might need to learn. Even when I was young the guys I slept with were good kissers and I’m grateful to my young teachers for showing me what can be with a tongue or to an ear.

But overall things aren’t getting better. Being a very passionate man I’m surprised I didn’t leave long ago. It means that I love him deeply and that I’m a bit of sap (and I do mean both).

I’m also the primary economic provider. He can pay his half if I control his spending with a tight fist. But he couldn’t manage on his own. Meaning if I leave it isn’t just a matter of tears. He’ be in a frightening position simply in terms of shelter and survival.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Passion or the lack of it.

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