What if? (questionnaire #2)

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On Live Journal I asked for help designing a frivolous questionnaire. swerved asked:

If you didn't have Charles and the bookstore, what would you like to be doing right now with your life.

I bet you thought those were simple questions . . .

If I hadn't met Charles I'd hope I'd found someone to shower affection on even if we weren't living together.

If I Charles and I were to separate today, what would I do?

Honestly I'm not sure. Possibly I might give up and accept solitariness as my destiny.

I've wondered at times if life with Charles fails and I were single and looking again if I'd look for a different kind of person. My longest lasting relationship was with a woman. Would I decide that it'd be best to will myself into heterosexuality (Kids don't try this at home!)* That is to try to find a lovable woman without even considering the possibility of looking for an ambiguously gendered person or genetic male. That'd be foolish but you can never really know how great personal failure will change you.

Or would I seek a conventional gay man. Decide that my failures with feminine gay men were the fault of the species itself. Again that would be stupid.

Hopefully I'd be my multifariously sexual self and just look for a worthy anybody.

If I'd never opened my bookshop I probably would've moved back to San Francisco. Though I might've stopped along the way to try living in New Orleans and Chicago (the two cities I meant to move to way back when). But I'd probably wind up back in SF. I've sometimes wished I had the erotic self-insight when I lived there that I do now. If I had instead of feeling chagrined by the men who strove to look like ex-convicts I'd have known to consciously seek the people who live on gender's fringe.

If Books Do Furnish A Room were to close its doors today my first thought would be to kill myself. Twenty years of working for yourself poisons the idea of being another's slave. I guess with my {cough} managerial experience I could work as a manager of a mall store. A petty tool of corporate America, one of my ideas of personal damnation. I used to have an Iggy Pop lyric posted behind my desk when I worked for a tiny market research firm in SF: "Oh baby what a place to be / In the service of the bourgeoisie."

If my life were different I'd like to be happy. That I would be or how I'd achieve it isn't in my imagining.

*Although I might be able to pull that off.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about What if? (questionnaire #2).
Thanks,
Richard

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