Fag hags (Do you have one?)

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Part of a reply by my friend cd332 in response to my prior entry.

have we ever discussed fag hags? it always struck me that they gravitated only towards the flamers: the non-threatening mama's boys. i know i have absolutely no draw with fag hags at all. they seem incredible disappointed that i am so feather boa-lessly staid.

. . . • . . .

So what is a fag hag? Firstly, it is important to note that there are many different definitions. The term fag-hag stretches from women who simply enjoy the company of gay men, to those who fall in love with gay men, and even those who try to “Convert” gay men into straight men. There are even situations in which Straight Women and Gay Men marry and live happy lives together.

Fag Hags- A Social Analysis

I used to think I was biologically destined to relate better with gay men than straight men.

The Fag Hag Manifesto

None of the guys I knew who had a fag hag trailing after him could've been called butch. (Though while I knew lots of femme guys who called women 'fish' I'd swear it was the, ahem, very manly guys that seemed the most misogynistic.) Some years after I last saw him I learned that the woman I thought his hag was a post-op transsexual: don't know if she really fit the stereotype or not.

Hadn't thought about fag hags for a long time until a couple of years ago. One of the half-dozen most lovely boys ever seen in my shop - pale, waifishly thin, brightly blonde - walked in with one trailing in her wake. Unsurprisingly she was looking for David Bowie stuff. She followed him around the store while he acted as if she weren't there. Bet he'd have broken down in tears if she told him to go to Hell.

Not sure what the motivation is. A few probably just share my own taste in guys. I'm sure you are right; some just want someone inoffensive, safe. And who'll infuse their own dull lives with a little color, cheap glamour.

Some probably are looking for an adult boy to mother. Charles brings that out in women. So much so it is like a superpower. Though there are those straight women who try to bond in icky way. Charles has a small bag he carries his many medications in and I remember how disgusted he was with one woman who insisted on call the bag his 'purse.'

I've had few women friends much less a fag hag.

Comments

I have many fag hags. Growing up, most of my friends in high school were female. I think it’s because all the straight guys naturally hated me. So, ever since, I shy away and am uncomfortable around straight men. And I’ve had enough rejection and intimidation from other gay men, that I feel almost as equally uncomfortable around other gay men - the snooty types.

So, that leaves me with women, both straight and lesbian. I feel comfortable around them, there’s no danger of attraction going on, but there’s always that fear that they’ll leave you one day - especially the straight women. Will and Grace did a great episode on this when Will says to Grace, “I need you more than you need me.”

It was a very poignant and very true statement.

While I’m not terribly comfortable with the phrase ‘faghag’ — maybe because I’m British, and as a result it summons an image of an old tart with her hair in rollers and a fag (cigarette) hanging from her mouth — I am certainly a woman immersed in the aesthetic of the gay man.

I don’t actually have a fag to hag these days, of course, through my own choice. But even when I did have, it wasn’t so much about the men being safe, or even them being floozy and fun, as I can out-flounce anyone when I feel like it. I was very much the diva or queen-bee. I followed no man around slavishly, gay or straight, but they came to me.

For me, faghagdom was, at its heart, jealousy. I wanted to be a gay man, or at least what I imagined they represented. What that was, I’m not quite sure, but freedom was definitely a part of it. I’m not TS.

Of course, every time I got to know a gay man, I discovered that they were disappointingly just like everyone else. ;-)

So in the end I wisely decided to stick with the glamorous fantasy. This applies generally to much of life, not just the gay community.

You have mentioned elsewhere that you believe Queer Eye to be aimed primarily at women (hope I’m not misquoting too badly). This seems perfectly possible, although I know of no woman who puts that much care and attention into her appearance. Guess I move in the wrong circles for that kind of body-worshipping vanity.

Still, I do like me a bit of Carson every once in a while. He has a fragility beneath the fussiness and control freaking which appeals, and he is ageing too, which adds to that impression — also a thing of mine. So, in as much as I am representative of my gender, which I don’t suspect is a great deal, I may go a small way towards supporting your theory.

I’m not really butch, but I’m almost always mistaken as straight. I’m not sure that fag hag is a good name though.

For some reason I’ve attracted a group of friends (gay/straight/male/female) who dont really consider sexuality to be that much of a factor. They werent surprised that I’m gay, nor were they thrown by it.

Fag hag will soon be no more, as people realize that gay people are all around them.

It’s not like we’re an exotic species anymore.

Fag-Hag is such an ugly word. It manages to be demeaning to both gay men and the women that like them.

Just for the sake of clarity I’ll start with my definition of faghag.

A faghag is a woman that seeks out relationships with gay men often times turning down relations with straight men. I’m not sure why, but I have a suspicion it has to do with safety and being noncommittal in relationships.

As a gay man I have always had women in my life. Those people that think gay men hate women couldn’t be further from the truth. I love women, I just don’t want to have sex with them. Some of my female friends have been faghags and some have just been single women or happily married wives and mothers. I prefer the latter.

Faghags it seems, are struggling with some unresolved issues. What those issues might be could fill this page and take years to understand. Why any woman would turn down the opportunity for a relationship with a straight man and try for one with a gay man seems self-defeating. Almost like a gay man joining the Log Cabin Republicans. What mindset must you have to join a group where clearly you’re not welcome?

Any woman that seeks only relationships with gay men and tries to “convert” them is only deluding herself and is destined to failure. Why anyone would put himself or herself in a position that they know is destined to fail, requires a Dr and several years of therapy to figure out.

Please no angry letters from women about great friendships with gay men! Let me state again I love women and have many female friends. I couldn’t live without them. But my female friends don’t seek me out because I’m gay. We’re friends because they like who I am, and being gay is only a part of who I am. (Me being gay does help the husbands relax a bit when we’re gone for hours.)

I have had several female friends that associated with me because I was gay but they weren’t looking to convert me but rather, they were gay and closeted and were looking to me to provide insight into the “gay world” and to assist them in coming out. That’s something totally different than a faghag and I have no problems with that at all.

Like Mike said: “Fag hag will soon be no more, as people realize that gay people are all around them. It’s not like we’re an exotic species anymore.”

I hope so! There’s room in this world for all of us. Its time to start thinking globally.

One planet…Earth One species….Human

Let’s save the labels for our clothing.

Alan, Oddly enough most of my friends are straight men. Not sure how that happened. Didn’t even notice until a few years ago. So the visits from my best gay friend who doesn’t live in Durham are real treats.

I hope I didn’t make it sound like I thought gay men with women friends were unhealthy. I was thinking of a few very specific cases that follow certain patterns.

Magpie, Yep, gay men are just people. Since my sexuality tends to cause me to idealize the feminine gay male I’ve had reality slap me in the face too many times.

I don’t know that Queer Eye was marketed to straight women. They did turn out to be the shows biggest fans. Mostly it sounded like they wanted their husbands to be - if only slightly - more presentable.

Mike, Your friends sound like mine. Most of my friends are straight. None of them give a damn about sexuality.

The only kind of friends to have.

Tim, My personal fag hag stereotype is of a straight female and gay male who bond unhealthily. The people I knew normally had few other friends of any sort. They created a private world where they reinforced each others weaknesses.

Plenty of people, hopefully most, have healthy friendships.

my hag says that she likes to hang out with gay men because she prefers men over women and gay men don’t try and sleep with her. plus she gets lavished with attention from gay men at the bars for some reason. makes for a good time for me when i bring her :)

ok, so i am a little self centered.

Richard you have it exactly right.

“My personal fag hag stereotype is of a straight female and gay male who bond unhealthily.”

Unhealthily being the key word.

I wondered what you’d say since I’ve seen your references to your friend in your weblog. But you sound to healthy to be the kind of guy I was thinking of.

I am a straight woman who enjoys the company of gay men, and I’m also in a committed relationship with a man who absolutely has no issues with sexuality. He loves my gay friends too! For that I’m thankful. My gay guys are the ones who labeled me their “faghag”. I can’t say that I’m overly impressed with the term, but it doesn’t bother me either. I don’t think the definition is in the actual meaning, but the interpretation of it on an individual basis.

Anyone who reads the above as saying that most women with gay male friends conform to the fag hag stereotype are misreading the entry.

I too was given the term “faghag.” My 3 best friends are gay. and they are not my best friends because they are gay…it’s because they are who they are. I don’t turn down relationships with str8 men. nor do I think one or the other is better. when I hear that a “faghag” only seeks out gays as friends because of some social issue or safety factor..then I don’t want that term to be applied to me!

I’m gay and have serveral personal “Fag Hags”. Without them my life would be very empety. Being associated with beautiful loving women without the obligation of sex has to be one of God’s greatest gifts.

My very best friend is a gay man. I’m a little offended by the term fag hag. I just care about him for who he is on the inside. He’s a wonderful man. Yeah, I do things for him but he does things for me too, that’s what friendship is all about, gay or straight.

Well I suppose people who HATE labels themselves would not then apply them.. I would be wrong it seems. ‘Fag hag’, to make too much of the word would require that I be overly sensitive, which I am not. I love my best friend who is gay. I cannot say that its the same love you would have for any best friend, because for me that is untrue. I only know that I love him beyond what is ‘normal’. Does that make this unhealthy? I don’t know, but more likely it makes it unique. I am married and have 2 daughters, who I love like crazy, but the love I have for them is easily defined, I love them like daughters,and I love him as my husband. For Giovanny my Love is different and seems to incorporate many different feelings. I love him like a son, a friend, a husband (trust when I say NOT sexually since nothing could be farther from the truth, and actually ‘those’ girls who love gay men that way are obviously troubled to say the least!)I love him with pity, and hope and absolute protectiveness. If thats perverted or ‘unhealthy’ then I happily subscribe to those ‘labels’. :)

We all have strong, deep feelings for out closest friend. A woman with a good marriage clearly doesn’t fit the criterion I was using for the phrase ‘fag hag’ in this entry.

I was reading and appreciating all the above comments and being an outspoken fag hag myself - well, I just have to jump in here. You all sound relatively young to me - that is not an unkind crack, it’s just that when I look back over 50+ years of having friends of all types I don’t think of any person’s behavior as needing explanation - it’s more rewarding just to enjoy people the way they are. My gay friend and I are not glamorous, we don’t dote or obsess with each other, we simply have more in common with each other than I do with many of my women friends. I guess we’re both city-born hicks - and most of the women I know would die rather than admit that. He’s not my first gay friend, but I hope I keep him longer than the others - moving will do that. I must add that my husband (whom I love and adore) likes this relationship because - as he told his boss - “I never have to go shopping anymore!” Okay, that’s a stereotype, but in our case it’s true! Like all good friendships, our individual neuroses complement each other. Our relationship is honest in a way that makes him very dear to me.

Oh, and your gay friend WILL tell you if your ass looks too big in that outfit - and to get rid of those ugly shoes.

I don’t know to what I am posting to…however I feel as though I am the SUPREME faghag. It is a repetitive drive that I have whereas I am not interested in many straight men. I have had female lovers, however now I know that I am straight. It appears that now as I approach my forties, I don’t intend to marry, and I have my best FUN with gay men. I can honestly say that I am very bored with my other friends (the ones that are married, etc.) Perhaps I do need to see a Doctor, however I am content with my 15 + bois that I hang out with in NYC. This is my life.

I have a friend from High School. I was the first person he came out to. I’m not his friend because he is gay. The fact that he is gay is just a small part of who he is. But he also jokes and calls me his fag hag. I don’t care because the term to me just means I’m his really close friend. We have a weird sense of humor together and sometimes I even end my letters to him or cards with “the hag”. I’m greatful for his friendship.

As a recently out gay man of 37, I’d like to add my thoughts. I’ve always had my “Fag Hags” all through my life, even before I realised I was Gay. They were friends, buddies, dancing partners, etc. They werent with me because I was Gay, I wasnt out, but looking back they had all guessed LOL. They included my best friends wife, girls from work, etc. Just amazing friends, we shared the same interests, dancing, partying, gossiping, music, the things their husbands werent into. I’m by no means a macho man, but no fem, girly bloke either I just relate better to women, than straight guys. I’d go crazy without my “Hags” around, every guy needs female company, even the gay ones. I need them more than me, maybe its the teenage girl inside me LOL

Some fag-hags are the nicest people I know, I’m a gay male, and sadly as I grew up straight males shunned me, and other gay males ridiculed me, because in truth, I’m not a “stereotypical” gay male. My best friend is a self proclaimed fag-hag and she says it gives her a sense of pride saying it.

Hi

I am wondering around on the internet trying to understand what my friendship is with a gay man. He and I grew up together were close friends for many years. We stayed close friends and were the closest thing to a couple without being one before he came out. He distanced himself from me and all our old straight friends after he came out. Which I understand why he did. But now seven years later I still want to be friends with him. So I contacted him. He had a cookout last weekend and I met his boyfriend and everything was ok. Because I miss his friendship and want to be friends with him just because of who he is not because he is gay does that make me a faghag? We were best friends for so long before I even knew he was gay. I don’t know how I didn’t know, maybe I didn’t want to know. I really loved him and in some ways I still do.

I HAVE THE BEST FAG HAG SHE AND I HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. I CONSIDER HER AS MY CONFIDANT. SHE KNOWS ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF, SHE AND I SHARE BACK RUBS WE BOTH HAVE BAD BACKS, WHEN IM OUT IN THE CLUB SEEN SHE HAS TIMES FOR ME TO CHECK INTO WITH HER TO MAKE SURE IM SAFE. I CAN BE A SLUT BUT SHE TELLS ME THAT. SHES ASEXUAL NOT WANTIG NO SEX , BUT WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY . SHE IS 20 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. YES A MOTHER TYPE BUT RESPECTS MY SPACE. WE TRAVEL TOGETHER AND APART , WHEN APART I ALWAYS CALL HER KNOW IM ALLRIGHT. SO GUYS GET A FAG HAG LIKE MINE. I MIGHT EVEN MARRY HER WHERE WE CAN GET BENIFITS. HOPE YOU GUYS FIND ONE LIKE MINE. I LOVE MY MAW FAG HAG.

    GO GET ONE YOU WANT BE

SORRY! FIND YOUR MARGARET CHOO COYOTE MAN PS LIVE IN TEXAS

I’ve been a wannabe fag hag myself and recently more or less befriended a gay guy at work. I was interested to read this because I’ve often wondered what gay men think of women like this.

I agree that there’s something a tad odd about a woman focusing on a gay male friend to the exclusion of dating straight men. Myself, I identify as asexual, though, and don’t want sex and dating. But I prefer male friends. So it seems like a more or less natural way to go.

There’s a very funny Onion article on the topic.

I am a fag hag and I am very proud to say that my best friend is gay. He is a senior in college and i am 35 years old. He is truly a wonderful person and possesses all the qualities of a true friend. He even wants me to move out of state with him when he goes to grad school cuz he is scared to be alone and gay in a strange place. i said of course i would. it gives me a sense of pride bein his fag hag. i am not his fag hag cuz of the fact that he is gay but becuz he is not ashamed of who he is and every since he told me we have just had a special friendship that i hope never ends

i think its sad that fag- hag women are used like that by gay males— as an accessory to an ego. I am a gay male by the way and have many gay and straight male and female friends.I am out and have a boyfriend, but often feel disenfranchised by queer culture and the shallow selfish archtypes it represents and celebrates

I am a fag hag, I love the company of gay men. I do not know if it`s because they are gay but what i do know is that I am still interested in straight men. For me, straight man are for sex and love and gay men for friedship as I don’t have to care about something other than frienship coming out. I have never been homophobic and i love my love wheter they are gay or straight.

I am a self-identified Fag Hag, and while there is a lot of negativity associated with the term, as evident in some of the previous responses, I am owning my label and am proud of who I am.

I always felt there was something missing from my life. I didn’t realize what that was until college when I found my niche in the gay community. Since then, I have both stumbled upon and sought out gay men for friendships. I am not the girl who follows a man around a store or mothers him. I am a confident, independent woman and I am highly regarded in my social community.

I think what I like most about having gay friends is that you can have that unsullied intensity of relationship without anything sexual. Sex disallows you to become truely close to someone just for their personality and tastes alone- the exception to this is a life partner or if enough time has passed. I can have a quality relationship from day one with a man who is interested in what I have to say instead of how long it will take me to get undressed.

I think that, to a lesser degree, being a Fag Hag is in your genes….at least with some women. For me, I would definitely say this is true. It has always been who I am now that I recognize it and can look back on my life. I’m so thankful to have discovered it, otherwise I would continue to feel as though there was a part of myself that was unfulfilled. I can’t explain the whys of it other than on a more superficial level, but it is something I just feel in my bones, blood, and heart.

~Jenny

i just wanted a friend.

Your feelings?

Please share your feelings about Fag hags (Do you have one?).
Thanks,
Richard

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